By Jack Breene ’11, Staff Writer
The last time we saw Harry Potter, also known as the “Boy who Lived” and the “Chosen One,” he was on the top of the world. He had just defeated his wizard nemesis, Lord Voldemort, and friends and family were anxiously anticipating his proposal to stone-cold fox girlfriend, Ginny Weasley. However, no one can stay on top forever, and Harry has been no exception.
After wizard graduation from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Harry and the then-pregnant Ginny moved to a small apartment in Hogsmeade. During his time there, Harry became that guy who already graduated, but thinks it is cool if he hangs out with current students.
- Additionally, according to Ginny, Harry began his heavy drinking again. “He would start coming home at 3 in the morning, absolutely reeking of butter beer and fire whisky,” said Ginny. Unfortunately, Harry’s problems with substance abuse did not end there. According to friends, Harry started experimenting with gillyweed and floo powder at this time as well.
- As if these addiction problems were not enough, Harry’s marriage began to fail. For comfort, he started seeking companionship in ways only Charlie Sheen could understand, and was caught womanizing in the full-moving pictures of the reputable Daily Prophet. During this time he was romantically linked with notorious party girls ranging from wild witch, Lavender Brown, to material-muggle Madonna.
In addition to the stress that these flings put on his marriage with Ginny, there were frequent reports of domestic disturbances by Harry’s neighbors, who complained about the wild Expelliarmus Curses that sent kitchenware flying around the couple’s house. After Harry’s several stints on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew on VH1, he and Ginny tried to rekindle the flame of their once hot passion for one another, but the spark just wasn’t there and the couple called it quits in August 2009 after just 17 months of marriage.
Heartbroken, Harry turned to his other long-time love, Quidditch. He made several half-hearted comeback attempts on the squad of the Chudley Cannons, but he eventually did what every washed up athlete does: he went to play in the Japanese League to seem good. With his Quidditch career floundering, Harry moved into an apartment over the Leaky Cauldron on Diagon Alley.
By now, the potions, butter beer, and women had almost completely emptied the small fortune Harry’s parents had left to him in Gringotts Bank. To support himself, Harry worked a series of odd-jobs including working as a roadie for the Weird Sisters, bar-tending at the Hog’s Head, and refereeing Non-Public B Soccer finals in the Muggle World, none of which he was able to hold for more than a few months. Eventually, even best friend Ron Weasley refused to loan the deadbeat Potter any more money, and Harry was forced to turn magic tricks on Knockturn Alley to support himself.
In the end, Harry’s body was found in front of the home of his former godfather, Sirius Black. All Harry had left was 3,600 dollars in mint condition coins.[1] Harry may be dead, but his spirit and illegitimate children live on.
[1] If you get this reference call me because you are my new best friend.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.