By Jack Breene ’11, Staff Writer  and Jack Lawler ’11, Humor Editor

After returning from a break filled with non-denominational holiday cheer, the students of Newark Academy were shocked to hear Upper School Principal, Dr. D, announce a new rule change: all unattended backpacks would be confiscated and locked in a cold, dark closet. When pressed to explain himself, Dr. D stated that the backpacks were a “fire hazard.” Most students knew this was some horse manure and were not shy about voicing their opinions for the sake of the article. “Everyone knows that even a hapless middle schooler could see a backpack and just step over it in the event of a fire,” says an anonymous source who was trying to seem smart. Unfortunately, most students were forced to accept this tyrannical rule, but two had the courage to follow a path towards truth and justice (specifically the two reporters writing this article). This is their (our) story.

These brave and physically attractive reporters decided we wanted answers. After school one day, we followed the esteemed administrator to the Livingston Mall. There, we saw him enter Lids, where he looked for 10 minutes to find a natty hat to wear around on the weekends. However, nothing seemed to fit his refined taste there, and he left without purchasing headgear paraphernalia. That’s when things got weird.

As he neared the food court, we saw our respected Dean of Students, Ms. Galvin approach. However, rather than simply exchanging courteous hellos and moving on, the two huddled together and began whispering and pointing demonstratively. They then walked down the escalator and entered Spencer’s Gifts. After chuckling at the witty posters and suggestive literature, they walked towards the back room. At this point, a heavy-set man approached, with a grey suitcase and a blood-stained machete. Even for Spencer’s, this was still a bit out of the ordinary, and we knew we had to follow them, whatever the danger, because Newark Academy students deserved the truth.

Hiding behind a set of doors, we over-heard the conversation, and that’s when we found the startling truth: Dr. D, the man we all know and kind of like, was in the pocket of notorious backpack cartel leader, Karl Steinberg Worthington III, and was dragging Ms. Galvin down with him! Here is some sample dialogue:

Karl: Ay Richy, what ya got for me today?

Dr. D: Nothing today, but I’ll have a big shipment for you soon… I just implemented a new rule where I can confiscate all the backpacks I want. Made up some rule about fire hazards (poor attempt at an evil laugh).

Karl: Ha! Idiots! Everyone knows that even a hapless middle schooler could see a backpack and just step over it in the event of a fire.

Dr. D: I know! (An even worse attempt at an evil laugh.) Just think Kar Kar – North Faces, JanSports, even those preppy bags girls wear over their shoulders that aren’t really backpacks!

Karl: Yes, yes, all is going according to plan. Who is this woman?

Dr. D: Ah, how foolish of me to forget to introduce you. This is my esteemed colleague, Ms. Galvin. She has shown much promise and would like to sign her life over to our cause.

Karl: There’s always room for fresh, young blood. A job well-done Richard, you shall be rewarded. You may go to Build-A-Bear later and pick out a new friend. How has our mule been doing?

Dr. D: Ah yes, he has been doing great work for us. He sneaks into the L during lunch, one of our most propitious backpack locations.

Karl: Do you foresee any issues?

Dr. D: Well, most students have just accepted the rule. But there are two courageous, stunningly handsome students that I am worried will have the courage to pursue justice no matter what the cost, because Newark Academy students deserve the truth. But yeah, it shouldn’t be an issue.

We quickly alerted the authorities, and the dogs were able to sniff out the huge supply of backwear -one of the biggest backpack busts in recent history. While we were quick to deflect credit and praise for our actions, we soon became local celebrities and made appearances as guest stars on “Suite Life on Deck,” and found out that in real life, Zach and Cody are just normal guys like us (though Cody can be a bit of a diva). We were also asked to join the mall security force. However, having seen “Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” we knew that that would be very mediocre, and were forced to decline.

Keep your eyes open for Dr. D’s tell-all book, “If I Did It, This is How I Would Have Done It,” co-written with OJ Simpson. (Editor’s Note: Despite massive amounts of evidence against him, Dr. D is pleading innocent, on very poor legal advice from his lawyer, Noah Liff ’11.)