By Chris Paolini ’13 and Joe DeNoon ’13, Staff Writers

On the second Sunday of January, January 21st, Steve, who plays a popular role in the hit cartoon show “Blue’s Clues” and also models part time for Calvin Klein Green Collection, was taken into custody by the Australian Secret Service, Kangaroo Division.  The authorities located the felon in one of his numerous underground animal-testing facilities.

Originally, nobody ever suspected foul play from that kind man in the green shirt.  However, while Chief of Police in Wichita, Kansas, Brice Willus, was watching Blue’s Clues with his son Gulliver, he was shocked by the unnatural blue tint of Steve’s dog, Blue.  Being a first-time watcher of children’s cartoons, the concept of colored animals was foreign to Brice, and so he began an official investigation. Chief Willus discovered that all the documentation on Blue, including any form of breed history, had been mysteriously stolen, along with a bottle of Blue Powerade™ from the veterinarian’s office where Blue was born.  “If people can see dead guys, why not inject RDC Blue No. 6 into the bloodstream of a dog?” commented Brice on his initial suspicion of Steve.

Now Brice had a bone to pick with this “Steve.” He was anxious to get his “paws” on those records, and to “shed” some light onto the troubling situation. Brice, like any cop (or farmer), decided to start at the roots of the story, and so he traveled to the vet’s office where Blue was born.  However, when Brice arrived, the owner immediately began to “flea.” Luckily, he marked his territory with lots of physical evidence of foul play.

Puns aside, this was one bad mamma-jamma. Unfortunately, the owner had gone international and was out of state, so the investigation turned to higher authorities. The CIA (Canines Internationalbutmostly Americano), in an attempt to locate the owner, sent out all their homing pigeons and one homing ostrich, which had the good sense to go back home Down Under, or Up Above if you’re upside down.

The Australian Secret Service coincidentally located Steve during their hunt for an Outback Steak House, where he was going under the alias of Steev.  Steev originally managed to escape their monitoring, but with the assistance of tracking manatees, Steev and his secret laboratory were found within the next few days.  Being a high-risk special operation, the Australian Special Forces decided to send in the best-of-the-best-of-the-best; the Kangaroo Division.

“Aw, dat man s’crayzay!” commented Special Agent Kangaroo Jack, in an official response concerning the felon, Steev.  “We went in derr an he was all like ‘Hey, come and find some clues wit me!’ An we was all like, “No! Wham. Jail fo you!”

Steve, once captured and interrogated by the 9 Kangaroo special agents, or K-9 for short, admitted that he was not working alone.  Mailbox, his accomplice, had already fled the scene when the K-9 was alerted of his critical involvement in the plot, but he was quickly brought back into custody when highway officials called in a “traffic emergency” on the interstate involving a large Tonka dump truck and one “purple mail receptacle.”  When asked to comment on his attempted escape, Mr. Mailbox responded, “Hey you try running away from the cops when all you got is a giant pole sticking out of your abdomen.  All I can say, PowerChair… Invest.” Mr. Mailbox is now facing several charges including indecent exposure and jaywalking, or jay-hopping if you want to be politically correct.

Among the numerous multicolored animals found in the lab, a trio of disgruntled spices were also found, locked away in one of the cages.  “It vas und outvage!  Ve thought Steve vas hour frend, but appearantaly not.  Just you vait Steve, no more salt, pepper, or paprika for you in ze jailhous!” commented K-9 officials after the findings.  After a doctor’s recommendation, Paprika, also known as Posh to those in the musical world, applied for therapy, in order to help cope with aftereffects of the strenuous situation.  Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper assured reporters that they would be back to their flavorful selves, after broiling on high heat for 45 minutes with occasional stirring.

The investigation was finally able to discover the location of Blue, the loving cartoon who had sparked the initial inquiry.  Blue was at long-last finally discovered with the help of paw prints on objects such as a note reading “Help I’m in cell 5B” and a second note scribbled in a Handy Dandy Notebook saying “No really, don’t look for the other print, I’m in there.”  After being rescued and singing a happy tune about solving the “mystery of the day,” Blue was brought to a veterinary clinic to have his (her?) condition assessed.  Beside the need for multiple skin grafts to return her (his?) skin to a normal color, Blue was considered to be in prime physical condition and was released a day later.  (S)He now works as at ColorMeMine, painting pots with ink (s)he secretes from her/his palms.

With regards to Steve, the CIA, Interpol, and the avid supporters of pita bread – correction PETA – successfully charged Steve with illegal animal experimentation and treatment, including, but not limited to, injecting his dog with blue Powerade™, animating such objects as a bedside-table drawer, naming a (fe)male dog after a popular primary color, possessing a can of Mrs. Pepper Brand Pepper Spray, and confusing millions of five-year-olds, as well as a few lonely adults.