By Jack Breene ’11, Staff Writer, and Jack Lawler’ 11, Humor Editor

Lately, a lot of you have probably been wondering a few things: How will Obama’s health care plan go over? Is Jack Breene seeing anyone? With the Humor editors being so hilarious, why doesn’t their work always live up to expectations? Well, maybe this sample dialogue will give you a little insight into the tyrant that is Pegeen Galvin, and her reign of humor censorship.

(There is a knock at the door.)

Ms. Galvin: Oh, hello boys! Come in.  (Jack Lawler ’11, 17 -years-old, a tall, physically fit and bright-eyed young man enters the room with Jack Breene ’11, 18-years-old, a petite, snappily dressed dreamer.) Do you know why I asked you here today?

Jack Breene: I’m not sure –

Ms. Galvin: Quiet! You will speak when spoken to!

Jack Breene: I mean you addressed me –

Ms. Galvin: When are you gonna get it? (Takes out a Super Soaker and drenches Jack Breene with a barrage of liquid water. Jack falls to the ground and breaks out in hives, because he is, of course, allergic to water.) So it had to come to this, did it? You guys wouldn’t listen!!

Jack Lawler: You monster! What do you want with us?

Ms. Galvin: This article you submitted for the newspaper is disgusting and offensive!

Jack Breene: What do you mean?

Ms. Galvin: Well, this one line: “she was as mean as a troll”

Jack Lawler: What’s wrong with that?

Ms. Galvin: It’s offensive to the entire magical population! I don’t know any trolls specifically, but I do know quite a few warlocks who are up in arms about this outrage! Do you want an inter-species civil war to break out?

Jack Lawler: Fine, fine, the references to imaginary creatures can be deleted. What else?

Ms. Galvin: Stop making fun of middle schoolers. It is extremely offensive to me. As you know I used to be a middle schooler. Just because they roll their backpacks down the corridors and ask every possible personal question during assemblies, doesn’t mean that they don’t have lawyers. They could sue us for all the money we’ve got!

Jack Lawler: I think your reasoning is a little far-fetched. I mean, what judge would listen to someone who hasn’t hit puberty?

Ms. Galvin: (Presses a button on her desk. Jack Breene’s wrists are bound to his chair by steel gauntlets. Ms. Galvin places headphones playing “Glee Soundtrack Season One” on Jack’s head. Jack Breene’s face begins to melt. Thinking fast, Jack Lawler removes the headphones and Jack Breene’s perfect features realign.)  Next time it will be Season Two, where the writers have put less emphasis on the music and focus instead on the extremely well-performed and believable plot of the drama.

Jack Lawler: You’ve made your point – you have a nearly endless supply of terrible music at your disposal!

Jack Breene: What else do we have to change?

Ms. Galvin: Well like right here, you reference Season Three of Sex and the City as the pinnacle of achievement in television.  Your facts are entirely wrong!  Everyone knows that during Season Three, the quality dropped off a bit thanks to Miranda having to balance her career and relationship more than ever!

Jack Breene: I mean, that’s really just your opinion-

Ms. Galvin: Why don’t you get it? I make the rules around here! Now be quiet, and listen to my ridiculous censorships!

Jack Lawler: My God! What is wrong with you?!?!

Ms. Galvin: What’s wrong with you?  Why do you keep making Drake and Josh references! They were maybe a little funny the first few times, but now it’s getting ridiculous! And no one even gets half of them!

Jack Lawler: Drake and Josh were a source of inspiration for scores of pre-teens and adolescents! You bite your tongue!

Ms. Galvin: That’s not even true! Everyone knows Megan was the best character!

Jack Breene: (Speaking with contempt) You would think that!

Ms. Galvin: How dare you offend my taste in semi-obscure TV shows! Get out of my office!

Jack Lawler: We’ll leave, but mark my words, your time as an oppressive dictator will soon end! Justice will be served!  We got Dr. D with the backpacks, now we’re going to get you!

Ms. Galvin: Dr. D was set up! That was all my idea! And stop referencing your own articles!

(At that moment, Jack Breene pulls out a tape recorder, a triumphant smile on his face.)