By Tucker Iverson ’12, Humor Editor

Essay Question #3

What personal experiences, events, or people have changed your life and shaped you to be the person you are today?  What particular qualities do you have that make you unique?  What makes you different from others and why does this matter to you?

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My name is Tucker Iverson.  Many people know me.  I am kind of a big deal.  No actually, I am a lot of a big deal.

I was born a stud, and possess many excellent qualities. Because of this, I have always been the subject of envy, psychoanalysis, and even lust from my peers.

Let me outline some of the various things that make me the astonishingly breathtaking and sumptuous person I am today.

I once worked as a freelance journalist for the Beijing Times.  I was the first person to hit a hole in one on the moon.  I have been a contestant on “The Price is Right” over fifteen times.  In my youth, I completed an ironman triathlon wearing Uggs. I can count to ten in five languages and I can count to eleven in seventeen. My speaking voice has been described by various professionals as having the honeyed consistency of lotion coursing through the ear canals.

Additionally, I possess many qualities that make me unique.  For example, I have the same innate ability to sniff out truffles as a wild boar.  I love hiking, making my own trail mix, and creating stained glass windows out of sand, merely by squeezing it with my powerful biceps.  I am an Abercrombie Model and a Hot Dog Contest champion.  Like Superman, I can leap over tall buildings in a single bound.  I floss, I play the banjo, and I make birdhouses for fun.

My barber says I look like Brad Pitt.  Brad Pitt says I look like Tom Cruise.  Tom Cruise says I look like I would be interested in joining Scientology.

Over the summer of my freshman year, a Korean scientist attempted to exploit my strength and fielding skill in his attempt to create the next Derek Jeter.  Unfortunately for him, he woke up the next morning on the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro with nothing but a mango and a pair of boxer shorts.  I can do splits both ways, I am known in underground jazz circles as the Louis Armstrong of panpipes, and my shoes are a size twenty-three.  The governors of various cities have given me keys, including New York, Toronto, and El Dorado. I once made a life-size sculpture of King Kong out of macaroni and dreams.  I have never cut myself while shaving.

I can skydive without the aid of a parachute, and I am an excellent listener.  I have my own line of cologne called Eau d’Tucker, which smells like peaches and rain.  Coincidentally, this is also my natural musk.  My fingernails are made of diamonds.  I simultaneously exist in this world and the Matrix.

Songs have been sung about my beauty.  Songs have been sung about my charm.  Songs have been sung about the time I challenged the devil to a fiddle competition.

How am I different from the other candidates?  Well for starters, I own three fedoras.  I can pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time.  I am the reason the Beatles broke up.  Both Kenny G and Carrot Top have described me as having the best head of hair on this planet, or any planet.  Cats run away from me.  Baboons do not.

I enjoy long walks on the beach, hot tubs, and sweater vests.  I invented Breathe-Rite Nasal strips for dogs.  I do not listen to Rap, Country, or Opera.  I do enjoy, however the mellifluous melodies of Justin Beiber.  I eat cereal with a fork and do crosswords in pen. I know names of all the presidents, their birthdays, and their favorite ice cream flavors. The characters House M.D., Jimmy Neutron, and Lassie were all modeled after my heroic deeds.

In conclusion, your school would be lucky to have me, especially because I am a licensed enthusiast of micro-geophysics, pyrotechnics, and pastry making, with a passion for flan.  I have fought dragons, chimera, and the 5’o clock traffic.  I have beaten Sherlock Holmes in a game of Clue.  But I have never experienced college.  So consider this, the resume of a humble boy who is unfulfilled, and add the garnish to the fondue pot that is his life.