Dear Carissa,

How do I talk to boys, specifically older ones?  Should I pretend to accidentally run into them in the hallways, hoping they’ll notice me?  On a separate note, what kind of chocolate does Mr. Scerra like?

–Hoping to Pass Am Lit & Go to Senior Prom

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear HPALAGSP,

You have come to the right person! I happen to have a lot of expertise in this matter. Not too long ago I was watching Season 2 Episode 14 of the wildly popular Nickelodeon cartoon, Hey Arnold; the one where Helga hires her school teacher to be her boyfriend in order to make Arnold jealous. Unfortunately, her strategy didn’t work, however I’m pretty sure in this scenario, it will. I suggest that you pay someone (I hear Greg Ruda and Tucker Iverson are available and looking for some extra cash) to pretend to be your boyfriend and you will definitely catch your crush’s eye. To ensure that you don’t go unnoticed, occasional handholding, pecks on the cheek, and love taps shared between you and your faux beaux are totally fair game. Eventually, you will be irresistible and your man will totally be DTT (down to talk). The best conversation starters are things you are sincerely interested in. For example, boys really like when you bring up how you just failed your math test, or when you update them on your latest SAT practice test score.  So bring up any of these alluring topics, and I guarantee you will leave him with his mouth watering. Your eye candy will in fact be “Truly, Madly, Deeply” in love with you by the end of the encounter.

—Carissa

P.S. I did some research. Upon cleverly asking Mr. Scerra what his favorite type of chocolate is, he responded with “oreos or any other chocolate product made by Kraft Foods.”  Go Get em’ Tiger!

Editor’s Note: Carissa Szlosek ’12, Staff Writer, is a fun-loving, expert advice giver.  She received her Masters Degree in advice-giving from the Benjamin Franklin School of Electricity and her Ph.D in Financial Economics from Bombay State.  Unfortunately for you, she’s not single.  If any of you readers have questions for further issues, please email them to us at minuteman@newarka.edu and she will get back to you in the next issue.