By Greg Ruda ’13, Humor Editor

Editor’s Note:  The following is an exposé on the history of the famed band Panic Switch.  This story has never been told outside of a remote teashop in the Himalayas, and should definitely be disclosed to anyone over the age of 103, as it may cause instant youth, with a possible side effect of migraines.

If you’ve ever been to a Panic Switch show, you would know of the raw energy that emulates from the fiery foursome onstage.  You would know that when Alex Liao takes off his shirt and throws it into the crowd, vicious girl-on-girl fights emerge, as every girl wants a piece of the shirt to put in their Alex Liao Shrines (think Helga Pataki in “Hey Arnold”) at home.  And also if you’ve ever been to a show, you can just tell that each and every hair flip has been choreographed for countless hours preceding the show.

However, even if you have been the most loyal of fans (special thanks to Daniel Eatroff, Gabby Giachin, and Ryan McDonald, some of Panic Switch’s craziest fans), you may not know how the band that everyone has grown to love came to be.  You probably just think the band practiced popular music in their garage, and took the easy way to success.  This is far from the truth, as the band faced musical-style issues, cereal addictions, and too much admiration.  So now, I, Greg Ruda, the guitarist/clarinetist/backup xylophone player, will tell the story of the greatest band ever.

Like most famous bands, Panic Switch began in 7^th grade science class.  I had been sitting alone, as was usual for the time, due to the fact that I had no friends.  Suddenly, I peered across the room, staring at the ipod of a boy sitting at a desk: Could it be?! The song on it was German classical polka artist “Sexy Schnitzels.” Within minutes I had met my musical soulmate.  His name turned out to be Dillon Denehy, also known as 7-32 X5, for reasons that cannot be disclosed in this article.

We began practicing our avant-garde music in Dillon’s basement, and called ourselves “The Gooten Morgan Guys.”   But something was missing. We needed a soulful lyricist to add melody to our music.  It was when we walked through school, and saw many seniors chasing a young Filipino sensation, that we knew we had found our singer— his name was Alex Liao, and he was a girl magnet.

Within a few months of excessive polka touring, we realized that our music did not appeal to the Newark Academy audience.  Thus there was only one clear and obvious music change: Ukrainian emo-core techno music.  As is the case with most Ukrainian emo-core techno bands, we soon became a mega hit at the school, getting countless high schoolers, middle schoolers, and even faculty chasing us around. We also changed our name to Beyond Paradise, for reasons that even the band has never quite understood.

It was right after we had become a true sensation that tragedy struck.  As many famous drummers do, Dillon Denehy had become “coo-coo for cocoa puffs”.  Our tour throughout North Jersey and random parts of Illinois was put on hold while Dillon went to rehab.  Coming back a new man, he focused less on the cocoa puffs in his life and more on hobbies such as vegetable gardening, SCRABBLE, and making hummus out of the chickpeas in his vegetable garden (yumm… get some pita chips in there).

We continued touring the 40’s, and even the blackbox. The success went totally to our heads, so we decided to change our band name to something terrible, maybe to lose a few fans so we wouldn’t be chased around all the time.  And that is when the aptly named Beyond Paradise became the less-well named Panic Switch.

Surprisingly enough, the Newark Academy community liked the name Panic Switch even more, giving them a NAmmy (Newark Academy Grammy) for Best Ukrainian Emo-Core Techno Band Originating in a Seventh Grade Science Class. This was because the name was very relatable to the Newark Academy community, and it touched people’s souls.  Since then we’ve been touring, and working on our new album “Boys from the Heart of Newark” which is going to be released in the bookstore very soon.

That’s the brief history of our band.  Come to our next show, in East Hanover, NJ when we play Kyle William’s 6^th Birthday Party at Chuckie Cheese!