We here at the newspaper thought it would be an excellent idea for you to meet some of the wondrous specimens that write for this newspaper…specifically for the humor section. Most are attractive. Enjoy.
Jeff Peng
Pardon me while I finish my 200thpull-up. My chief, Tucker Iverson, just sprung this assignment on me in the middle of my P90X workout. It really caught me and my toned bod by surprise, but what’s a little break gunna do
right? An 8-pack can wait. So I don’t really like talking about myself, but I knew this day would eventually have to come—I just figured it would have been on Oprah’s revived talk show (SPOILER ALERT: Oprah personally told me she’d come back a few years down the road for one last show featuring me). I might as well start off asking: Who am I? Well simply put, I’m just your average looking Caucasian kid. EL OH EL, that’s rich. I’m, tall, dark, and handsome, and I come with a lovable personality, charming sensitivity, silky-smooth hair, and a fashion sense that singlehandedly earned me billions. I’m also a little bit of a bad boy, though I don’t like to admit it—I like to stay classy. Girls have asked Leonardo DiCaprio repeatedly if he could refer them to me. I know this because we were High School buddies and never lost touch with each other. We hang out occasionally if I’m not too busy. Oh yeah…One more thing: I lax. That line’s a killer. Bye now. I’d say call me, but you’re probably already dialing. 😉
Carissa Szlosek
Howdy. Chris Benoit is my best friend and my name is Carissa Szlosek. Every morning I up the stairs, through the great hall, and into morning meeting, where I greet my best friend in the entire world, Chris Benoit. After my daily morning meeting announcement, I go to the cafeteria and buy my friend Chris Benoit a bagel. When we don’t have class together, best believe I text Benoit from under the desk to make sure he got to class alright. I hope this gives you a good sense of who I am! I love hanging with friends, orcas, beets, pipettes, Tiospaye, Green Brook Middle School, Mike Tyson, Zack Drobner’s speech on Mike Tyson, gravity, chalk, octopi, hexagons, the color purple, The Color Purple, the Chris Paolini headband, narcoleptic dogs, spacecowboys, Tom Cruise, Com Truise, teenage mutant ninja turtles, sea turtles, Yahtzee!, parkour, Milwaukee, the Cambodian’s People Party, Paula Deen’s Homecooking, dubstep, Bojangles, fighting crime, quilting, Matt Lauer, Bubba Gump’s shrimp, Mr. Parlin’s IB History Class, Adidas, lol, Dimmsdale, class of ’74, Mr. Gilbreath’s attendance card doodles, snapgrades, the Delmontes, Curt Schilling, waterslides, Indian food, Tomagachis, NARE, Zinedine, Zidane, slurpees, nubbs, and How To Catch a Predator. Did I mention Chris Benoit?… Oh! I really like Newark Academy’s online newspaper, The Minuteman, especially the Humor section. But seriously, Chris Benoit.
Molly Alter
Molly was born on a Tuesday. White, milky clouds laced the ineffable celestial sphere. “Who am I?” Molly pondered as she played with puzzling plastic creatures throughout her youth. Upon entering sixth grade, she met a schoolgirl named Gracie. She was like a hare—enigmatic, pious, and with bad teeth. The two had a connection. Tears fell. Forlorn looks were passed. Memories made. Once, Gracie went to camp. “I never should have let you, let me go” Molly whispered, tears brimming in her eyes. The two were like peanut butter and jelly. Sonny and Cher. Bill and Monica. Gracie was interested in poetry and theatre. Molly, interested in inappropriate cinema and hunting. Often, on their weekly trips to the Camden Aquarium, they would simply stare deeply into each other’s eyes. “What is this game we call life?” Molly would wonder, as she sipped slowly at her Dunkin Donuts Coolatta®. As Molly felt her way through the misty halls of Newark Academy she began to find her inner self. She was, in fact, destined from her very conception, to be a humor writer for the Minuteman. Cruel fate had touched her in a very special place.
Grace McNeely
The first weekend of September is named Labor Day because on September 4th in the year 1994, a woman by the name of Marie McNeely gave birth to one of the most influential babies the North Jersey region has ever set their eyes on: Elizabeth Grace McNeely. Elizabeth, formally known as “The One” and currently known as Grace, grew up like any other child: wake up, seventeen egg protein shakes, drive to school (yes – she got her license when she was just seven) and eat eight pounds of carrots for the rest of the day. She was just a normal kid until fifth grade, where she met the lady that would change her life forever: Molly Cecilia Alter. She’d never felt this way before. It was as if she was a negative charge, and Molly, a positive charge – they were meant to be together. They were as close as Snooki and J Wow – Molly was Snooki of course because of her voluptuous hair and height. One summer, Grace had to attend a camp for four weeks without her partner in crime. As she drove away, Molly, standing in the middle of the road, watching, whispered something that could not be heard from the car. The two live in Montclair, separately of course. But every week, they have their ritual interpretive dance seminar, joining their spirits even closer. In Grace’s seventh year at Newark Academy, she cannot wait for a new year of humor for The Minuteman: fresh ideas, fresh faces, fresh dreams.
Greg Ruda
Hello, My name is Cedric Gregarious Horace Rudacris. People call me Steve at times, for reasons I’d rather not share here. I honestly can say that I do love my lamp, and I have many leather-bound books. My apartment does in fact smell of rich mahogany. But hey, I’m not here to talk to you about movie quotes and focus on TV shows instead of giving you an actual description of who I am. It’s not like Im going to pull a Sopranos on you and end in mid sent-
Hello my name is Joe and I work in a button factory. I have a house, a dog, and a family. One day, my boss said to me, “Are you busy Joe?” I said, “No”. He said “Wave to all the people with your left hand.” Hello my name is Joe and I work in a button factory I have a house, and a dog, and a family. One day, my boss said to me, ” Are you busy Joe?” I said, “No”. He said “Wave to all the people with you right hand” Hello my name is Joe and I work in a button factory. I have a house, and a dog, and a family. One day, my boss said to me, ” Are you busy Joe?” I said, “No”. He said “Wave to all the people with your right foot.” Hello my name is Joe and I work in a button factory . I have a house, and a dog, and a family. One day, my boss said to me, ” Are you busy Joe?” I said, “No”. He said “Wave to all the people with your left foot.” Hello my name is Joe and I work in a button factory. I have a house, and a dog, and a family. One day, my boss said to me, “Are you busy Joe?” I said, “No”. He said ” Wave to all the people with your head.” Hello my name is Joe and I work in a button factory , I have a house, and a dog, and a family…(Editor’s note: This went on for 20 pages, and was cut by the editorial staff for length reasons.)
Steven Uberoi
A picture is worth a thousand words…
Christian Pinto
People ask my why I write for the humor section of the newspaper and they say, “Hey Pinto, why would you write on a silly school newspaper, when you could obviously write humor for the New York Times?” My response, “Hot highschool girls read the school newspaper, while weird old women who love cats read the New York Times.” (Ladies call me 973-555-9170)
Nathan Feinberg
In health class, we were asked to write a speech on how we want to be remembered…here is that speech.
Shalom. My name is Nathan Feinberg. A lot of you in the room may know me as the Brainiac; the three-sport athlete and the campus Casanova. If this is what you know, then you know nothing. The real Nate Feinberg is none of these things. But I am many other things; things that I want to be remembered for.
For example, I have donated a lot of time to this school. I have been involved in a lot of community service including the food pantry, Red Cross and the Walk-a-thon, just to name a few. I have been on a ton of committees and a lot of clubs. My family helps pick a speaker for the school every year and I also do community service locally. I was vice-president junior year and when the grade wrote to the President last year, he actually wrote ME!!! back.
I don’t think I will be remembered for my academics but I always tried my best. There are some things I liked better than other things here at school; I could always be found in the gym shooting hoops or pumping iron in the weight room. I’m not too familiar with the library and I’m not known for my singing voice but I do enjoy a good practical joke or two.
Those of you of the Jewish persuasion already know of my fame in the local paper, The New Jersey Jewish News. I’m kind of a big deal if I must say so myself, so I will…“I’m kind of a big deal.” I hope after I graduate, people will look back and quote me often, especially my words about the fantastic job Ms. LoPretto is doing as our health teacher.
Some of the things I have purposely left out of this speech are those I hope no one finds out about until after I’ve been long gone from NA. Enough said. Finally, and most importantly, I would like to be remembered as the only Newark Academy student who got an A on his health speech entitled, “How I’d like to be remembered”.
Tucker Iverson
Tucker Iverson is an Editor of the Humor Section.
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