Interview Conducted by Ms. Lila Rimalovski ’15, Staff Interviewer

Yes, Lila Rimalovski is quite the impressive gal. By the age of 14, she has written 2 whole humor section articles, she has gone backpacking, she has eaten a grasshopper, and she has traveled out of the country not twice, but three times. She is a 3-season athlete and is on the executive board of the Outdoors Club, but did she build a Tesla Coil with her bare, naked hands?

Oh no, she did not.

This is where our story begins.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Conrad. Similar to Lila, he had beautiful hair, amazing extra-curriculars, and fashion sense that most Newark Academy students yearned for. But besides these wonderful qualities, why did Lila take precious time out of her extremely busy schedule to write an article, solely focusing on this one young man?

Well curious reader, that is the million dollar question. It is time to address the elephant, or shall I say Tesla Coil, or shall I say elephant again, in the room.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011, 9:43 AM
Lila: Hello, Mr. Wehner, what a pleasure to have you here with the entire Humor Section Staff this morning.
Conrad: I don’t see anybody else in the room…
Lila: …Anyway! Shall we begin?
Conrad: Sure, I would love to. (He says this as he crosses his legs and rolls back the sleeves of his perfectly ironed blue and white Ralph Lauren gingham button down shirt.)
Lila: As it is quite apparent, you and I obviously share one of the most enjoyable aspects of life: fashion. So for me, I really look up to Susan Boyle, Rebecca Black and other girls of that type for inspiration. Who would you say are your male equivalents?
Conrad: I don’t really see how this is relevant…. but I must say Daniel Brooks, he was by far the most dapper out of the three Brooks Brothers.
Lila: I couldn’t agree more. Anyway, lets get back to the real topic of this conversation. As you briefly described in your morning meeting presentation¬–by the way that was absolutely wonderful (Conrad blushes)–you were saying that as a child, it was very hard for you to get along with other youngsters because you are lactose intolerant, does this still apply to you today in the halls of Newark Academy?
Conrad: (with a puzzled look) What….?
Lila: Because you are lactose intolerant, do you feel that people will discriminate against you in the future? Particularly in college?
Conrad: I am not lactose intolerant. (He says this angrily and confused slamming his engraved maroon and gold ballpoint pen on the table.)
Lila: Mr. Wehner! There is so need to get upset! Now that we have established you are not lactose intolerant, what are your views on the “No Child Left Behind Policy”? I understand that you also stressed this in your presentation this morning.
Conrad: Is this supposed to be funny? How old are you? Like 12? I don’t have time to answer these questions. If you want me to stay, I strongly suggest that you change the subject before I call in the real newspaper writers.
Lila: (flipping her hair behind her shoulder, pushing back her chair, cracking her neck etc.) I see how it is Mr. Wehner. I guess you don’t appreciate the fact the Humor Section is the ONLY PART OF THE NEWSPAPER THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ!
Mr. Johnson: Jeez Louise Lila! I can hear you from the yearbook office. Please keep it down, I need to finish these senior portraits (for more information on senior portraits, please see newarkacademydictionary.com) Oh by the way Conrad, great presentation this morning, it was truly spectacular!
Conrad: Finally! Somebody appreciates me!
Lila: Ok, my apologies Mr. Johnson, however I really need to get back to this meeting, Conrad and I have scheduled this for a very long time.
Conrad: What are you talking about? I was on my way to class when you pushed me into this room and closed the door…
Lila: So Conrad, I am finally ready to get down to business. Now lets hear about the mastermind behind this Tesla Coil.
Conrad: Finally! So it all began 2 years ago when I was just a–
Lila: I wasn’t talking about you, I was talking about Mr. Tesla.

Conrad stormed out of the room before the interview could be finished.