Editor’s Note: This “Dear Carissa” article was meant to be post back in November however, due to shuffling in our archives, was never published.  We are sincerely apologetic to all people that this non-posting affected, specifically the questioner who has no doubt endured months of merciless Beiber-jokery without any advice.  Anyway, enjoy…

Dear Carissa,

People at school have been frequently calling me names such as Justin Beiber and Beiber for short. I have even been asked to do segments for  short video contests where I would have to lip sync to one of his songs. Last year on the baseball trip I was forced to perform a Justin Beiber original. My mom tells me Justin Bieber will never be as good-looking as me and I agree with her! Do you have any advice that could help everyone stop calling me names? Thanks.

Sincerely,

A Non-Belieber

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Dear A Non,

I’m going to tell you One Time, Never Say Never, you most likely resemble teen heartthrob “J-Beibs” but probably less attractive.  Your real problem is that you are unable to make girls Less Lonely, and that’s why you still get confidence boosters from your mother. What you need is Somebody to Love. Consider the names an overstated compliment. Hey! At least they don’t make fun of you for looking like this guy…    And even if they did, he grew into himself too!

Love always,

Carissa

PS: Sorry, I really just love Adrian Grenier… AG, If you’re reading this, call me!