By Gracie McNeely ’12, Professional Horoscope Culture Artist

Happy Birthday, Pisces!

Pisces

February 10 – March 20

Looking for love? Too bad! This is going to be really tough month for you. Just when you think you have it good, someone is going to randomly punch you in the face. But guess what? You probably deserved it.

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Well, well, well, look whom we’ve got here. Looks like on March 24^th Jupiter will align with Saturn. That means absolutely nothing for you, but we thought it was a cool fact. This month someone close to you will go on Spring Break.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Looks like you have some money troubles up ahead. And I don’t mean, “Oh no, I only have 50¢ for a $1 muffin!” I mean legit-you-should-probably-get-a-job money problems. In fact, I think on the 19^th, you will go bankrupt.

Gemini

May 21 – June 21

Looks like we’ve got some good news! You won’t fail out of school. Turns out you’re going to get through spring term at NA just fine. Although, we can’t help you with how you did last term. C’mon, man. You can at least try.

Cancer

June 22 – July 22

You, lucky fellow, will meet a vampire.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

You, lucky fellow, will not meet a vampire.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

On the 17^th, a leprechaun will show up out of nowhere and stab you in the face. Luckily (thanks to St. Patrick!) the surgery will cost only a little more than your NA tuition.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Being a teenager in east coast suburbia is easy! That’s why on the 10^th Uranus is going to give you a wake up call to keep you grounded.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you [on the 24^th]. Good luck!

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You know that feeling you get when you hit your funny bone? And that feeling you get when your leg falls asleep? You’re going to have that constantly for the next month. There is no cure.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Capricorn sounds like popcorn, doesn’t it? Well, you should go buy some. And then eat it. (Can you tell I’ve grown tired of writing these?)

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Ah, last but never least, Aquarius. On the 30^th, you will find a dead cat on the side of the road and pick it up and put some honey on it, then you’ll cook and eat it. Is that bad to do do do do do do do do? No, of course not.