By Matt Cowen ’13, Walrus Club Devotee

Do you know how many times I’ve been asked that question? Take the world’s sea lion population, double it, divide it by two, multiply it by itself, take the square root of that number, and multiply that value by pi (π); then, and only then, might you approach a tiny fraction of the number of times I’ve been asked that question.

But today, I am here to set the record straight once and for all. So, without further ado, I present to you the declassified file on the Walrus Club – its origins, its leaders, and its operations. What you choose to do with this information is entirely your decision.

Origins: The Walrus Club was founded somewhere near Iceland around 1500 A.D.W. (After Daddy Walrus). Daddy Walrus, the God of the walruses (aka walri), conferred with the Earth’s walrus messenger, Andy Reid, outside of the capital, Reykjavik. Reid proceeded to transcribe the Walrus Bible from the grunting noises made by Daddy Walrus into Icelandic, which he somehow knew, but this minute detail deviates from the point. Reid took the original Icelandic verses and translated them into many languages, eventually establishing the Club in its current incarnation here at Newark Academy.

Leaders: Along with the aforementioned Daddy Walrus and Andy Reid, the Walrus Club has several important figures. John the Walrist was a significant early perpetuator of the walrus creed. Walrus Washington Carver created modern walrus technology. And when Abraham Lincoln wasn’t preoccupied by the Civil War, he freed all of the walri from their captivity under the manatees.

Operations: The Walrus Club strives to promote walrus-human relations, and equality amongst the walri. It is our mission to tolerance and acceptance of all walri. Therefore, the Walrus Club has organized cells in 38 countries, including the Czech Republic and Tanzania. We hope that you continue to support walri, and continue to believe the garbage I’m writi – I mean, the credence I have laid before you.