BREAKING NEWS

Senior Has No Regrets and Eats at 11:30 a.m.

By Max Whitmore ’14, Staff Writer

LIVINGSTON—Rationalizing that he has caught senioritis and thus can chow down on deep dish pizza whenever it so moves him, resident and student, Kamalpreet Lava Singh, 17, allegedly chose at 11:29 a.m. Tuesday that, screw it, he wanted to eat. “So what?” Singh asked before crossing the 38^th parallel that divides the hallway with the Green Committee bulletin board from the dining room. Sources say that, when stopped and questioned by Dr. D as he approached the Holy Land 15 minutes early, Singh reportedly said “Yeah, you right. It’s 11:29 and I’m hungry. Time and age are relative. Who’s to say I’m not a middle schooler? Psych, I’m a senior and I just want to eat.” After making no progress in stopping Singh, Dr. D placed a phone call to the Livingston Police Station asking for backup, animal tranquilizers and the SWAT Team. Reporters who swarmed the scene claim that Singh remained calm throughout the entire event, answering every demand to drop his food with “Yeah, you right,” while he did just the opposite, and proceeded to move on to fro-yo. Nothing was resolved. Later that day during 6^th period, Singh, alongside a group of students who also suffer from senioritis, had decided that, screw it, he wanted seconds. Sources place Singh and his posse at Nonna’s in Florham Park, NJ around 1:50 p.m. When caught by a faculty member, Singh was told that he would need to immediately return to school and would lose his driving privileges. To this Singh replied, “Yeah, you right,” and proceeded to finish his second lunch while looking the faculty member dead in the eyes. Sources say Singh is a hero amongst the senior class, and has prompted other students to follow in his daring footsteps to have a blatant disregard for all rules and eat whenever they damn well please.