By Max Whitmore ’14, Humor Editor

Although I am still in a state of traumatic shock after having been banned from Newark Academy’s library, my therapist recommends that I give an account of what actions specifically barred me. Well, here goes nothing (straight from my diary).

It was a seemingly normal Thursday morning as I turned into 91 South Orange Avenue. Construction workers roamed the lower lot, Mr. Bitler was shooting students with his water gun from atop the roof, and there was not one inflatable rat in sight. Being that I am a senior and have minimal work to do (ha!), I made the conscious decision to get to work on my senior year bucket list (see my previous article titled Senior Year Bucket List). My first goal: get banned from the library. Ultimately, this was not an action that I would recommend everyone take. Why was I banned from the library? Here you go:

8:32am

Broke the silence by making a noise to simulate flatulence. I then proceeded to exclaim, “Wow! That was a great one!”

8:35am

Read out loud, purposely repeating the word “oogenesis.”

8:36am

Asked the Director of Library Services for help pronouncing the word “the.”

8:37am–9:24am

Proclaimed the page number en Español every time I turned the page.

8:39am–9:14am

Every time someone entered the library I sang the chorus from Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.”

8:42am

Opened a thesaurus and shouted, “Wow! Did you know “stop” and “go” are antonyms?”

8:46am

After changing into a onesie, I asked every person in the library to read me a lullaby.

8:50am

After printing every page of “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,” I shredded each page. Shreddings in hand, I skipped around the library throwing the tiny pieces of paper around singing Christmas carols.

8:58am

Twerked beside the “Quiet Zone” sign.

9:05am

Dropped to the ground and started to do push-ups while yelling, “Yes, Sergeant!”

9:12am

Ate a sloppy Joe while surfing the web, which resulted in a sloppy Mac.

9:15am

Scrambled throughout the bookshelves shadily while singing the “Mission Impossible” theme song.

9:17am

Hid in a book shelf, whispering, “Pick me! Pick me!” whenever anyone approached.

9:21am

Went in the copy room, shut the door, closed the blinds, waited a few minutes, then shouted, “Help! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

9:25am

Twerked beside the “Quiet Zone” sign again (with Smannah Montana).

9:26am

Scolded by Mr. Mallalieu.

9:27am

Told I was “Never to step foot in the library ever again.” Does that mean I can ride my bike through the library next time?

Now, I am not necessarily proud of having been banned from the library. However, I am certainly proud that I twerked in front of the “Quiet Zone” sign with the infamous Smannah Montana. I would like to both congratulate and formally apologize to all of those who witnessed my indecent behavior.