By Erin Mooney ’16, Humor Staff Writer

Who among us has not gone through the struggle of not knowing what to write on a friend’s wall for their birthday? Well fear not. Here is a guide to knowing exactly what to write on someone’s wall for their birthday for any and every relationship you could possibly have with a friend on Facebook.

I.        hbd (short for “happy birthday”)

This can be used in two situations:

        a.        The first being a person that you don’t know at all, but for whatever reason you feel the compulsive need to say something for their birthday. (A day whose significance you would have no awareness of, had it not been for a bright young Harvard dropout named Marc Zuckerberg.) It says “I don’t have time for your birthday except I actually do.”

        b.        The second time in which it is appropriate to write this on a friend’s wall is for a very close friend’s birthday whom you either A) don’t have enough pictures with to create a meaningful collage or B) don’t have the initiative or drive to create a meaningful collage. If one or both of those are true, “hbd” is a great way to wish a close friend a Happy Birthday! Your friend will be impressed with both your sense of humor and your originality! Way to go! (*This is ironic)

II.        happy birthday

        a.        This is the ideal way to wish someone a happy birthday if you don’t really know them and you don’t want to boost their ego.  It says “I’m acknowledging your birthday but don’t get too excited cause that’s all I’m doing.”

III.        Happy Birthday

        a.        You: “What? This is exactly the same as the last one!” No, reader, you are wrong. (Do you hear that? That’s the sound of the fourth wall crashing down before you.) Little do you know, this one is very different from the last one. The observant reader would notice that the “H” in “Happy” and the “B” in “Birthday” are both capitalized, showing your respect for this person. This one says “I respect you. Happy Birthday.” Of course for some people this is the same as “happy birthday” only it is their attempt to apply their knowledge of grammar and punctuation, perhaps to impress you? Unfortunately, this person has failed to use any punctuation and has therefore failed at reaching their goal. You are unimpressed.

IV.        Happy Birthday!

        a.        You: “Come on this is EXACTLY the same as the last one!” Ok fine, this one is basically the same. It just shows more of a genuine wish for them to enjoy their birthday. It says “I really hope you have a happy birthday!” It can also be used for a formal relationship (think “usted”).

V.        happy birthday name/Happy Birthday Name

        a.        These are both essentially the same as the previous ones (See II and III).

VI.        happy birthday name!/Happy Birthday Name!

        a.        Suggestion: Reserve this for friends and close acquaintances. This says “I actually wanted to say happy birthday to you!” It usually implies that I didn’t see you today nor do I have your number so I couldn’t text you.

VII.        HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAME (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

        a.        This works great for friends who you have inside jokes with. Not kidding. A great test of friendship is to ask yourself:  “Do we have inside jokes?” If the answer is yes, you should feel free to go crazy for their birthday. If you’re feeling risky, satisfy the craving by being super outgoing on Facebook! (*Warning: The Minuteman is not responsible for any awkward relationships that come out of writing “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!” on an acquaintance’s wall.)

VIII.        Happy Birthday Name!!!!!!!!!!! I love you so much. Hope you had an awesome day cute nickname!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

        a.        This one feels pretty self-explanatory. If you feel this way about a friend you can write it on their wall. This also works great for people who you used to be really close to but you aren’t really anymore and it’s sorta weird but like its their birthday so like what are you gonna do not write on their wall?

IX.        HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAME!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you so much nickname. You honestly mean so much to me. Ever since grade that you met  in class in which you met we have been best friends and you honestly don’t even know how much I love you. (tbt to those times when memory. #inside joke) btw you take beautiful selfies 😉 😉 😉 lol so I just had to include some for your birthday <3 you can see the ones from memory when we were so adjective we almost huge mistake!!!! hahaha literally people thought that we’re honestly so weird when we were like memory and we were just like lolwut. literally I honestly miss our class you had together last year class so much and im super sad we don’t have any classes together this year except class that you’ll have together starting in the spring!!!!!!!!! lol cant wait we’re honestly gonna be so bad at class in the spring. Anyway I hope you honestly had an AMAZING birthday you literally mean the world to me different nickname I love you so so so much!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

        a.        There is no limit to how many times you can use this. Similarly you can use the word “honestly” as many times as you would like, and it will never lose its meaning. Remember the more selfies, the better! Also, try and plan ahead! If you want to post a picture with someone but realize the night before their birthday, you can take a selfie with them at school and post it that night!