By Max Whitmore ’14, Humor Editor

Teachers are composed of two very different elements: the classroom side and the public side. Each is of utmost importance when measuring a teacher’s success in a community. Upon reflecting on my time at the Academy, I’ve come to realize that it is not so much a teacher’s ability for in-class instruction that leaves a mark on students, so much as it is the out of class interactions. That being said, Mr. Bitler certainly has created an indelible mark on many members of Newark Academy’s community after his winter break escapades. The following is a detailed and accurate summary of what exactly happened over the two week period:

December 20^th

Attended a Canadian Curling Association match with Ms. Powell, streaked across the ice, and was arrested.

December 21^st

Was graciously bailed out of jail with the help of the Student Endowment Committee. To show his gratitude, Mr. Bitler took the committee out to dinner in the backstreets of downtown Chinatown.

December 22^nd

Wrote an opinion-editorial piece on the shortcomings of the Young Democrats Club for The Minuteman.

December 23^rd

Was forced to join the Young Democrats Club to broaden his paradigm.

December 24^th

Unknowingly sold old physics exams to Newark Academy students on the black market, leading to his Honor Council case the following morning.

December 25^th

Being from Planet Zandar, Mr. Bitler spent Christmas leading an information session at the Academy’s Zandarian Open House.

December 26^th

Broke into the Academy to go night swimming, only to be thrown out by the Swim Team’s Coach.

December 27^th

Prank called Mr. Austin pretending to be Montclair Kimberly Academy’s Head of School.

December 28^th

Despite being a firm believer that the only true subject in the universe is physics, Mr. Bitler audited a Creative Writing class.

December 29^th

To rid his brain of the infectious subject, Mr. Bitler took the members of the Robotics and Engineering Club to a movie theater. He claimed to be seventeen in order to get a discount on the ticket price by showing the teller a fake Newark Academy School ID card.

December 30^th

Performed a half-time dance at a boys basketball game..

December 31^st

Wrote a Newark Academy alma mater to the tune of Yankee Doodle along with the members of Diminuendo, in which all of the lyrics are “Bitler.”

January 1^st

Befriended arch nemesis Rebecca Gordon.

January 2^nd

When attacked by a grizzly bear on the Outdoors Club’s camping trip, he subdued the bear with nothing other than his bare hands and superior intellect.

On behalf of the school community, thank you, Mr. Bitler, for truly being The Most Interesting Man in the World.