By Noah Sellinger ’16, Humor Staff Writer

The following How-To paper is addressed to high schoolers who are struggling to keep up in their classes and middle schoolers who think they are struggling.

It is currently 9:42 PM, and this article is due tonight (don’t tell my editors). The only problem is, I am just getting started. Ironic, huh? The skill of “last minute essay writing” is incredibly useful for a variety of classes if properly mastered. The first, and arguably most important tip, is making sure you have frees on the day the paper is due. It is highly recommended that you map out your day the night before (sure, this time could be used to write your paper, but where’s the fun in that?). I am sorry to inform you that if you want to pull off this daredevil task, certain sacrifices must be made; lunch period will soon become panic period.

Update – it is currently 9:50 PM I have 10 minutes left to submit this to my editors, so I would say this is going well.

The next sacrifice comes in the area of proof reading. Whatever you learned in English class throw away – proof reading is simply a waste of time and derails you from the actual task at hand of turning your essay in.

Update – it is currently 9:53 PM and my editor just asked how my article is coming along. I said that I am “proof reading.” That should buy me some more time.

After you’ve mapped out when you are going to write your essay for the following day, go to bed. You need at least 14 hours of sleep in order to pull off such a large feat, so rest up. As you enter school in the morning, be sure to be confident. Wear your best pair of khakis and remind yourself that nothing can get in your way today. When you sit down to write the paper, it is essential to make the distinction between an essay written days in advance and the one you are about to complete. The “day-of” paper usually consists of 3 to 4 paragraphs, with very weak supporting evidence. Again, sacrifices. If you want to reach the 5-paragraph mark, find the longest quotes possible. In fact, in my last essay I quoted the entirety of “The Bluest Eye” and it worked out pretty well – I got a D+.

Update – it is currently 10:07 PM and my editors are in a rage, threatening to drive over to my house.

Time to conclude. The most time efficient way to end a paper and write a killer conclusion paragraph is to simply paraphrase your opening paragraph. Your teacher will undoubtedly see through it, but at least you’ll have something down on the paper.

Now that your paper is finished, all you have left are the final touches. The first is the date at the top of the paper; be sure to write the date the essay is due. Obviously you didn’t write the paper the day it was due… Or did you? Regardless, it is now left to the teacher’s imagination as to when you wrote the paper.

Update – it is currently 10:14 PM and my editor, who is also the President of Indian Club,  just threatened to kick me out of the Indian club dance. Needless to say I am in big trouble.

For final review, take a good look at this article. I wrote it in about 30 minutes and it didn’t turn out too bad. However, if you disagree and think that it is the worst thing you have ever read, stick to writing essays a few days before they’re due.