By Andrei Buna ’15, Humor Writer, and Olivia Cubbage ’17, Humor Writer

So, you have a math test tomorrow and it’s super important that you do well. The problem is you don’t know how to maximize your time with the ol’ textbook. Do not fear, Olivia and Andrei are here. Pay close attention. It is extremely important you follow every step precisely and accurately.

Step one: Find a fertile piece of land.

Step two: Once you find said fertile piece of land, go to the gardening aisle at your local Home Depot.

Step three: Go to the shovel section.

Step four: Find a shovel that best suits your personality.

Step five: Steal it.

Step six: Turn yourself into the Home Depot Police.

Step seven: Get sentenced seven years in Home Depot Jail.

Step eight: Get #swol in Home Depot Jail.

Step nine: Build a canoe from scratch in Home Depot Jail. Repeat this step until you have made a canoe for every inmate in Home Depot Jail.

Step ten: Take dance lessons in Home Depot Jail.

Step eleven: Find a bunch of two by fours.

Step twelve: Hypnotize the jail guard with your newly acquired killer dance moves.

Step thirteen: Hit him over the head with all the two by fours.

Step fourteen: Break out of Home Depot Jail and take all canoes and fellow inmates with you.

Step fifteen: You’re a fugitive now.

Step sixteen: GET TO SCHOOL, YOU IDIOT, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

Step eighteen: Just stop reading. Good luck on your test.

I have completed this article in accordance with the Newark Academy Honor Code and against all Home Depot Policies.

X: Olivia Cubbage

X: Andrei Buna