By Tyler Mudge ’18, Humor Editor

Newark Academy is an old school, and with a long tradition comes a long history and many secrets. Some books hidden deep in the library describe an infamous treasure hidden in the walls of the school, a treasure that is protected by Alexander Mcwhorter, the founder of this great institution. Legend has it that he haunts these hallways to this day, guarding his riches from those who seek them out. His ghostly presence is why the lights flicker in the library, or why the phone rings and nobody is there, or why the walls ooze green slime. All of it is Alexander Mcwhorter guarding his treasure. The Academy treasure is a collection of gold and art that is renowned on a national scale; some may call it a “National Treasure.” And with that national fame, the treasure gathered a following.

A treasure you say – that’s ridiculous… but is it? Are our school’s walls not being torn down? Some may say it is to create “a new middle school” or “to get rid asbestos,” but I’ll tell you what it is: a secret society hidden in the shadows of our school trying to uncover the treasure before anyone else can. I have always had my suspicions of the construction project, and knew that it had to be a front for a plan to turn the school into an excavation site and start searching for the treasure. I also have reason to believe that Dr. D is the head of an underground organization with the sole purpose of stealing the Academy Treasure. I believe this shadow organization goes by the name of Company Uniting Paragons.

I knew that Dr. D had to be confronted, so my colleague Benjamin Berkowitz nailed an interview with him; what it revealed was astounding.

Benjy B: When did you start working at Newark Academy?

(this was just a softball question, trying to get Dr. D to lower his guard)

            Dr. D: 1998.

Benjy B: How familiar are you with the history of Newark Academy?

            Dr. D: Better with things since 1998.

(Dr. D obviously alluding to the fact that he has been on the treasure trail since then, discovering more and more secrets everyday, perhaps finding a treasure map or maybe a room hidden in the foundation of the school made for black magic and blood sacrifices)

            Benjy B: What is your experience with the paranormal?

            Dr. D: I have no experience.

(This is simply a flat-out lie as it would be impossible for him to be hunting for the Academy treasure with out going toe-to-toe with Alexander Mcwhorter on a weekly basis)

At this point Benjy stopped beating around the bush, and went right for the jugular.

            Benjy B: Have you heard rumors of the treasures protected by Alexander Mcwhorter hidden in the walls of the school?

            Dr. D: I have not.

(Multiple sources confirm that at this point Dr. D began to sweat and his eyes darted around the room. He may have passed off the answers coolly, but he knew we were right on his tail.)

Can anyone else spell denial? We knew that it wouldn’t be easy to get Dr. D to admit that he is the head of an underground society that controls Newark Academy from the shadows in an effort to find the Academy treasure and deter anyone else from searching for it. But I never thought he would keep up the act so well. It seems the D in Dr. D does not stand for DiBianca, but Deception instead. That’s right. Dr. Deception: Faculty leader by day, underground society member by night. Such a dichotomy.

Lastly, Benjy asked the final question of the interview:

            Benjy: Do you have any thoughts on the puppeteers controlling our school from the shadows to protect the Academy treasure?

            Dr. D: I think you should go back to class.

While no sources can confirm this, Benjy explained that at this point Ms. Kuser rushed into the room, took Benjy by the arms and tossed him out of the office. She warned him that he was getting too close to something big. Too big for Benjy. Too big for all of us. Ever since that day neither Benjy nor I can shake the feeling that we are being watched. But we both agree that the truth is more important than any risks we have brought upon ourselves. Do not let the wool be pulled over your eyes. Wake up,  Newark Academy!