By Tyler Mudge ’18, Section Editor

Dear Tyler, I have this really big math test coming up and I’m not doing too well in the class. How can I improve my grade?

Just Cheat! It’s a lot easier than studying, and will probably get you a better grade than working hard. I used to be bad at math, then I just started cheating. I really don’t get why more people don’t cheat, its like, soooo much easier.[1]

Dear Tyler, I have this date with this super nice girl and I am very nervous. How do I impress her? (like you impress all those girls that you talk to a lot because you are very cool and sociable)

Spit a lot! It shows you’re too cool to care. Spit inside, on the ground, on a carpet, on your food. Spitting is the next leather jacket of impressing girls; get used to it!

Dear Tyler, what are some tips to get a teacher to like you?

Well I have learned that if you bully a teacher, then challenge said teacher to a fight,[2] they can’t decline.[3] If you win then you will garner the respect of the entire administration. However, this is risky as the loser MUST perform seppuku upon defeat.

Dear Tyler, but how do I get easy A+s?

Well, most teachers won’t want to say this, but we all know that they have favorite students. So what you’re going to want to do is befriend your teacher, obviously. Next, you’re going to want to come to them for extra help (you know like at least twice a week), try to form a relationship with them, maybe make a few inside jokes; who knows? After a couple weeks of that, you’re going to want to come to their office after school with a very personal problem, maybe with tears welling in your eyes; but the key here is creating the idea of trust. After that episode, you will hopefully have the strong bond that Newark Academy wants between its teachers and students. Then, once this teacher trusts you enough, he might share something personal of theirs: a darkest fear, a suppressed memory maybe. Then you just exploit that until your teacher gives you that easy A+. It’s a tried and true scheme.

Dear Tyler, I have this date next week with this super nice boy and I am very nervous. How do I impress him? (like you impress all those boys that you talk to a lot because you are cool and sociable)

Great question reader, my first tip is to just be yourself, because everyone has their likable qualities – haha, you know the answer is to show off how far you can hock loogies; that is sure to get you some mouth kissing, stat!

Dear Tyler, I’m starting to think my parents don’t love me. How can I make them love me again?

Can’t help you there.

Dear Tyler, any cool new songs I can listen to?

Harsh Noise Wall by Razxca is pretty good, or just a CD with Halloween sound effects.[4] Sk8er Boi also has its moments.

[1] DISCLAIMER: The Honor Code is a thing

[2] DISCLAIMER: Don’t actually do this. Suspension and detention are also both things.

[3] This is actually included in the Newark Academy handbook and has lead to the far soccer field’s name officially being changed to “The Bloody Bowl”

[4] Especially good for falling asleep