By Amit Kundra ’19, Staff Writer

When you look at America – the greatest country in the world, the land where dreams come true, a place that people risks their lives trying to get to – you are looking at the country’s leadership. You see the strong, powerful foundation built off of morals and good conscience that makes this country so great. Today, however, we have a group of candidates so far gone that even celebrities like Kanye West or a guy called “Deez Nuts” could be better options. C’mon America, out of 300 million people, the best we could come up with is Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton?

We have Donald Trump, the misogynistic billionaire, who also happens to be broke. Favorite pastimes include praising the quality work of Russian president Vladimir Putin, and the president of Syria, Bashar al Assad. Also known to enjoy the company of women, particularly when he can “grab them by the p*ssy”(sic)[1] or do other sexist things. For some reason much of the American population has been able to see beyond the atrocities that he has committed, including tax fraud, racism, fear mongering, and downright sexual assault, and see some glimmer of hope in the overly spray tanned-hairdresser needing shadow of a man that is Donald Trump. Even ISIS, a literal terrorist group set on destroying America, thinks that Donald Trump being President is a bad idea.

The second main party candidate, the devil you know[2], Hillary Clinton, is everything that the common person hates about American politics. With views that seem to change over time, she is the embodiment of the aristocratic political society that most American’s believe should be broken. There are three things you can trust more than Hillary – drinks from Bill Cosby, elevator rides from Ray Rice, and the water in Flint, Michigan.

Now lets not forget the third party candidates. For starters, Gary Johnson. This man has no idea what he is doing running for office, with plans to remove the departments of commerce and education, wondering if they actually did anything of value. Not to mention that he did not know about major foreign events. Then again, Gary seems like a nice enough guy. What are foreign events when your smile looks like a million bucks? With those kind of good looks he could fix our economy in no time. But Gary is confused about more than just politics. After climbing Mt. Everest, he said, “Well, I did not conquer Mount Everest, she lifted her skirt and I got in there and got a peek and it was really cool.”(sic) Is it sexual assault if the mountain didn’t give consent? Just ask Donald Trump.

Finally, there is Jill Stein, the folk star from the hit band Somebody’s Sister[3]. Her entire campaign is based off the pillar of cancelling student debt. When asked how this is possible, she said, “It’s complicated.” Wow. The genius, the tact. I can imagine no plan that is more foolproof. She is not assertive, and can not say no. For example, when a 9/11 conspiracy theorist questioned her during a town hall meeting (yes, this is the demographic that she appeals to), her only answer was “I agree, we need to have the full story.” We’re going to elect a person that thinks that 9/11 was caused by the American government? Although Jill probably doesn’t know what she is referring to, as her vocabulary starts and stops with “it’s complicated”, she inadvertently accused the pentagon of killing more than 3000 people. Then again, she has that really good plan about student debt, so there is that.

America, it is time to get your act together. There is only one legitimate candidate in this mix, and even Hillary seems like a last resort option for America. As comedian John Oliver put it, “Anyone who goes into a voting booth on November 8 and comes out saying ‘I feel 100% great about what I just did in there’ is either lying to themselves or did something unspeakable in that booth.”

[1] The fact that I have to censor the direct quote of a presidential candidate says something on its own.

[2] A reference to the saying “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t”, for those you who don’t get my high-brow humor

[3] See American Dream, a 1999 sleeper classic

***NOTE: This humor article double functions as a news/commentary article