By Tyler Mudge ’18, Idea Philanthropist

Dear Tyler, I think people only like me because of my family’s wealth, what do I do about this?

I wouldn’t worry about that; no one at Newark Academy would use someone like that, unless your name rhymes with “Freg.”

Dear Tyler, what are the coolest hang-out spots where all the cool kids hang out?

The roof! No one is allowed up there so you know what that means: no teachers! No teachers means no school, and no school means no rules. So the roof has no rules. No rule roof. You can do whatever you want up there. It’s also very cool to have flip contests off the bell tower and see who can do the sickest flip.

Dear Tyler, I’m having a problem with censorship, any tips?

I recommend starting a second, underground, secret newspaper to spread your ideas. Have no oversight, just free rein. But then become an actual political machine and instate communism in Newark Academy. Ha! The true utuopia failed once, but will strike again. The CPUSA will rise! просыпаются Sheeple!

Dear Tyler, What are the top ten most attractive things that have been sculpted to perfection by the hands of God himself?

Dear Tyler, My math homework is just taking too long. What do I do?

Just don’t do it! What is homework?  2 points, that can’t add up to that much, right? Here’s my advice: you should never open a textbook until the night before the test, this way your brain will be well-rested, refreshed, and energized, and it won’t be bogged down by lesson plans and whatnot. Plus, everything will be so easy to remember because you will have learned it all so recently!

Dear Tyler, it is October and I still don’t have any friends. What do I do?

I have a tried and true method: create multiple fictitious Instagram accounts, and then, from these accounts, comment things like “Sick!” “Tight” and “Wow dude this is cooler than the time we went to the water park and went on the TALLEST slide!” on your own photos.  Newark Academy kids will see this and think that you are the coolest. If this doesn’t work then you should lie about having a girlfriend. Make your fake girlfriend an Instagram, and then tell people that she invited you to the Livingston Prom. This will really up your cool value. But whatever you do, don’t make videos where you just talk about memes, this will set you back substantially.

Tyler, do you have any cool modern fashion tips that stay in dress code?

I always wear what ever I want- and here is the trick–I have had the side stitching of all my clothes sewn with Velcro. This way, if any teacher even touches my clothes, they fly right off. And then you have a pretty good lawsuit on your hands.

Dear Tyler, I think my parents are trying to illegally disown me and abandon our house. What do I do?

Well I have faced this one before, and having your parents actively try to abandon you is not a great feeling. You should run away first! Beat them to the punch – it sucks out all the fun for them.  They’ll be so confused, and think, “wow he/she really beat us to the punch by running away and this kind of sucks out all the fun for us.”

Tyler, I need help with Canvas; it just seems too cluttered. How do you handle this dilemma?

Oh my god – shut up, stop sending me these questions! I don’t even have good answers. All my answers are bad. Why have you sent me multiple questions?

Benjy’s permission for the picture and Greg’s permission about the “Freg” question: