By Anne Ruble’17 and Ezra Lebovitz’18, Staff Writers

I was asked to tell NA why I serve. I wrote from my heart but apparently my heart isn’t “PC.” These are some of the rejected ones below:

– I serve because: I firmly believe that Ms. Fischer has been secretly stealing all of my silverware to use as knives to spread mayonnaise on sandwiches for Bridges and at a certain point, you just gotta give in.
– I serve because: the gargoyle on my shoulder only stops shrieking when I’m doing service.
– I serve because: the soup kitchen food is mad tasty. Which isn’t to say I eat the soup kitchen food that I’m supposed to be serving, just that I don’t necessarily not do that.
– I serve because: look, okay, you got me. I don’t actually do any community service. I lied on x2vol. I’ve been faking it since freshman year, but I knew it couldn’t last forever. I knew someday they’d find out that the Society for New York Orphans with Smallpox and Bad Hair was a hoax— partially because smallpox has been eradicated, but mostly because I listed the supervisor for the hours as Neil Patrick Harris.
-I serve because: I’m trying to combat the overwhelming guilt that comes with illegally streaming Zootopia for the Equity and Inclusion Team.
-I serve because: I’m really passionate about supporting the Society for New York Orphans with Smallpox and Bad Hair.

Why do you serve? (Beat that).