by Ben Leit ’18, Humor Editor and White Male

A note from the EICs: The ludicrous solutions to gun violence proposed in the article are intended to satirize the legislative inaction that has dominated our country’s response to this important issue. Perhaps this article can shed some light on the ongoing debate…

In the past decade, America has undergone an unprecedented renaissance of civilian mass shootings, and unfortunately, this wave of terrorism is absolutely unstoppable – a natural byproduct of the Second Amendment of our Constitution (which, of course, one cannot change, you cannot amend an Amendment). So, the American public has grown desperate for ways to combat these unpreventable tragedies – yet, neither side of the aisle has been able to enact actual change. Luckily for our country, I have a simple five-step plan:

1. Arm the teachers. Duh! Equip them all with handguns! What could possibly be more conducive to a safe learning environment than preparing your educators for a spaghetti-western-style shootout?
2. Equip each of your children with a “BulletBlocker®: An American Company’s NIJ IIIA Bulletproof Matrix Backpack”[1]. Marketed towards students, these backpacks have been soaring in popularity, due to their zippered laptop compartments, water bottle holders, and six pounds of Kevlar bulletproof material and MOLLE Webbing[2]. In the event of the inevitable school shooting, the back of your child’s torso will be completely safe.
3. Raise the age for legally purchasing a firearm to 21. That way, our school shooters can come in drunk and armed, which will (hopefully) make their aim worse.
4. You know what? Arm teachers with machine guns, too (or, an AR-15s with a bump stock would suffice)! With two AR-15s going at each other, many of the bullets are bound to collide, improving the dangerous-to-safe-bullet ratio.
5. And, most importantly, please send your thoughts and prayers.

[1] BulletBlocker NIJ IIIA Bulletproof Matrix Backpack, BulletBlocker®: An American Company, www.bulletblocker.com/bulletblocker-nij-iiia-bulletproof-matrix-backpack.html

[2] Ibid.