By Kellen Wang ‘20 and Rohan Kapur ‘20, Humor Editors

Daily Mantra

I have to say, from my personal viewpoint, in my opinion, without offending anyone, I truly believe that narwhal butter is the source of life and we need to protect it at all costs even if it means having to sacrifice our children

8 Newark Academy Life Hacks

1. Mark your territory in the study rooms by leaving a nice pile of man-made fertilizer.                                                                         
2. Don’t throw out semi-dry expo markers! If you suck on them, there might still be some broth left!                                                     
3. Rob the school store. They give up really easily.

   

4. Take on a side job of bounty-hunting for some quick rewards and an honor bonus!
   1. Snitch on the kids who play basketball in the gym before Nurse Neary comes. She will pay you a hefty bounty for each offender. Most times a cough drop or two.
   2. Snitch on the kids playing bomb squad in the library. Mr. Mallalieu and Ms. Moroz will grant you 2 Newbery Novels for each scalp you collect. The kids are pretty swift in swiping to a new screen so you need to be sneaky when you catch the lil’ buggers.                                                                                                                                                                       
5. Hang out in the new Student Activities Center! It’s predicted to be quite empty in there, so don’t hesitate to jump at the opportunity to hang with Ms. Galvin and Ms. Duszak!                                                                                                                                                        
6.  Drink the pond water for a health bonus. If you eat some of the algae floating on the top you get extra stamina.                                      
7. Food Hacks!
   1. Tired of the wet, cold and rubbery assortment of meats in the salad bar? No worries! Take a handful of meat and throw it right onto the panini for some quick and easy DIY BBQ! Sprinkle some freshly cracked Pink Himalayan salt on top with an organic ketchup/ranch glaze, and you basically have a Southern Beef brisket!
   2. Not your favorite entree today? Just take a bowl of the chipotle sauce! Throw some crackers in there and then bam! Instant lobster bisque.
   3. Eat the gluten-free lunch. They serve those cornmeal chicken finger things like every day.                                                                            
8. Hunt for the missing students locked in the NA clock tower.