By Michael Wang ‘20 and Teddy McGraw ‘20, Humor Writers

The countdown to December 20th has begun. We can taste the sweet pleasure of the sixteen days of winter break. There is only one thing that stands in our way: Exams. Here are a few simple tips and tricks that you will need to fully succeed on these exams.

1. Make a massive, at least forty-page Google doc with all your friends that you will spend longer making and formatting than actually studying. News Editor and experienced exam taker Vikram Bala states, “This is the only way to seriously prepare.” (Bala, circa 2014)
2. Cram! There is no point in preparing earlier than the night before. You’re busy with tons of assessments in other classes, and those should be prioritized. After those are done, take a few days off. The night before should be good enough. There’s just simply no need to follow Dr. D’s progressive studying technique.
3. Stress out! Your socioeconomic, emotional, and physical future in addition to your life expectancy and retirement age depends on these exams because where you go to college depends on these grades! (Start saving now for retirement! You’ll need it!)
4. DO NOT MEET WITH YOUR TEACHERS! Not only do they live extremely busy lives, but you are simply a worthless nuisance to them; they just don’t want to meet with you.
5. WAIT! FORGET NUMBER FOUR. Cramming in a meeting with your teacher on exam day is highly productive and probably the only time they will actually meet with you. It will be sure to reduce anxiety on exam day and make your teachers very happy with their career choice. 🙂
6. First, make a quizlet with too many slides, sprinkled with all the wrong information and spelling mistakes. Next, share the quizlet with your classmates. Lastly, watch your classmates’ academic standing at Newark Academy crumble. Although Newark Academy does not grade on a scale, what better feeling to experience than seeing all your friends suffer?
7. Don’t eat or drink anything the morning of exams. You don’t want to have to take a pee break during exams, and the last thing you want is an abundance of energy. Too much energy and focusing on holding in pee so you don’t soil your pants will cause you to make silly mistakes that will destroy your chances of having a fulfilling economic future! The last thing you want is to have to ask Nurse Neary for an extra pair of pants.
8. Hold a protest against the nature of exams. Do not stand for what is right, but fight for what makes you happy. Remember to practice in front of your mirror, and present without notes.
9. Call a sick day. What are they going to do? On retake day, call another sick day.
10. Cheat! Why study when you can just look at your table buddy’s paper? You don’t have time to prepare for these exams anyway. Cheating is the only way to guarantee success, thus ensuring a future of economic happiness as well as a happy, loving family!

Remember, if you follow all these tips, you are sure to get A’s on both the Health and Math exams this year. Always follow the honor code.