By: Ben Glickman ‘23, Humor Editor; Molly Breckman ‘23, Humor Editor; with Evan Breckman ‘25 

Photographer Recreation of the Run by Anderson ‘23

The world is getting darker and we need a hero. In other news, Jill Anderson ‘23 has been named Newark Academy’s athlete of the week due to her record breaking sprint in the hallway on her way to room 41. Rumor has it that Jill lost track of time during the passing period because she was thumbing through her new favorite book, the 2022-2023 Newark Academy Official Student Handbook (which just edged out the 2021-2022 edition). Lost in the words of Newark Academy’s strict yet loving guidelines, she didn’t realize the bell had rung nine minutes prior. 

“For a brief moment, I was considering being late to class,” said Anderson in her acceptance speech over a thunderous roar of applause, “but that does not uphold a passion for learning, a standard of excellence, nor a generosity of spirit.” 

The crowd burst into a chorus of sobs. The gym had not seen that much flooding since yesterday’s incident, which frankly, we should all stop talking about. 

“I knew then, as I know now, I had to book it.” You go, Jill!

Anderson dodged backpacks and vaulted over freshmen in a breathtaking display of athleticism previously unknown to Newark Academy (not counting our darling Ultimate Frisbee Club, to whom this article is dedicated). 

Arriving just as the bell rang, an exhausted Jill did it: she got to class on time, and beat the previous school record by three seconds, completing the first sub-40’ run in school history. She was announced as athlete of the week later that day. 

Following her win, Jill now has access to the plethora of amenities that NA makes available to its athletes of the week, including a private restroom equipped with a shower with real live hot water, a sauna, full-time wait staff, an on-call masseuse, and nice tiles. In addition, Jill will now be having dinner with our very own Donald Austin nine times a week. 

Jill’s final prize: our hearts. 

  Just kidding! It’s that she gets to break one rule of her choice. After a lengthy consideration period over whether to break any rules at all, she chose to get a second copy of the 2022-2023 edition of the NA Student Handbook (famously, the first rule of the handbook is that every student may only ever be in possession of one copy). 

When pressed on the reasoning behind her decision, Anderson told The Minuteman “So now I can read it twice!”

But it hasn’t all been bathrooms and handbooks, “This newfound fame has actually been hard on me.” Anderson confessed, “I can outrun the paparazzi, but that just makes them want me more.”