Evan Breckman ‘25, Humor Editor

I took this picture. This is my brain.

As I entered Newark Academy this morning, I silently wept, as I realized I forgot my ID badge. I must have left it as a bookmark while reading the Newark Academy 2023 Student Handbook (one your best works yet guys!). Not wanting to pay the 20 dollars, I sat there, in that area between the entrance doors and the ID scanners, thinking. A lot of ideas came to my head “What time is it?” “There must be a better way to enter school safely.” and “I should probably move.”. The second one, the “better way” one, is the one that stuck with me.

I mean, come on! We’re the world’s oldest school. We’ve had 250 years to come up with a solution. I guess the British slowed us down a bit, and a lot of us just aren’t smart. But there must be a better way to get into school safely. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Newark Academy, it’s that if you throw enough money at a problem, it eventually goes away. Both the money, and the problem.

That’s when it hit me. I got together Newark Academy’s top minds, and when that didn’t work, I got Pingry’s top minds. Together, we’ve come up with a ten step program that would completely replace ID badges using brain implants that scan each student’s skulls.

1. Read this list
2. Follow rule 1 to a tee.
3. Fill out the Google sheet on MyNA that signs you up for the Chip in Brain beta program.
4. Ah shoot, MyNA signed you out. Shoot. This always happens, hold on.
5. Okay, now it’s not recognizing your password. Uhh… try resetting your password, I guess?
6. Okay, new password’s not working, I guess go to the technology office?
7. MyNA’s not compatible with my browser? Why? It’s Google Chrome? It should work? How much money did you guys spend on this website? Not enough, clearly. Why not just use Canvas till you know this one’s done?
8. Have fun!
9. Buy a new computer.
10. Insert chip in brain.

` This new chip will allow students to just walk into school and not have to scan their badge. Now, you can walk right in with only minor to lethal headaches. This will improve student life greatly because everyone will have something new to talk about!

XOXO, Evan.