By Evan Breckman ‘25, Humor Editor

Standing 8 feet tall (or 8 meters for my European crowd), the Newark Academy Minuteman is the tallest student in the building. But what else can he do? Contacting the Minuteman was exceedingly difficult. Luckily, I had some blackmail on Don Austin (his real name is Donald, but you didn’t hear that from me), so I was able to get in contact with the Minuteman’s team.

The following is a transcript of our interview:

Evan: Hey there Mr. Minuteman, how are you?

Minuteman: It’s been a long year, my dog died.

Evan: I’m so sorry. What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?

Minuteman: I felt as though I was growing too close of a personal connection to the creature, so I killed him with my own two hands to prove my strength.

Evan: Dang! If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you about your time in the Revolutionary War. What was it like fighting in so many notorious battles?

Minuteman: My time in war was deeply traumatic. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past 250 years, and there’s been no progress.

Evan: That’s awful.

Minuteman: It gets worse, I haven’t been able to get a job for 200 years. Veterans just can’t get work in this economy. Luckily, my head is big enough to look like a school mascot. Unfortunately, they don’t let me leave.

Evan: You can’t leave?

Minuteman: After finding me in a gutter, Don Austin chloroformed me and now I’m here and Mr. Austin has the only key. He keeps the key on a table in the dining hall with a sign that says “No Touching”.

Evan: Why don’t you just grab the key?

Minuteman: The sign says “No Touching!”

Evan: How does it pay?

Minuteman: I’ve had the same wage since 1789. I get paid a nickel a year.

Evan: How much have you saved up?

Minuteman: Nothing. Every five years, I splurge on a gumball.

Evan: Do you think you live a happy life?

Minuteman: No! Did you not hear what I just told you?

Evan: You look like you’re having fun at pep rallies?

Minuteman: That’s because I have a deep appreciation for student athletes. Do you watch curling?

Evan: Yeah! I’m actually on the youth Olympic team!

Minuteman: Wait! You’re THAT Evan Breckman!

Evan: Yep!

Minuteman: If it’s not too much trouble, can I get an autograph?

Evan: It’ll cost you. 20 cents.

Minuteman: That’s four years of my life.

Evan: Do you want the autograph or not?

Minuteman: Fine.

The Minuteman dropped four nickels from his pocket. I decided to swipe the nickels and not give him the autograph. I don’t even need the nickels, I already have dozens of nickels. I just wanted to see if he could cry. He can.