By Gabrielle Beckham ‘27, Humor Writer 

Newark Academy- Construction, Image courtesy of Gabrielle Beckham

Welcome all to the Newark Academy Wildlife Safari. Surviving this jungle will be a wild ride, but fear not, for we’ve got our safari hats, binoculars, and a box of tissues {in case for the chemistry test next period doesn’t go well). Get ready for athe roaring adventure! We promise there will be no lions, tigers, or bears. 

The first stop on our tour is the watering hole called The L, where gossip flows like a river and students gather to quench their academic thirst. Now, watch slowly, as students attempt to navigate the treacherous terrain of homework and exams, armed with only half-charged airpods and a single mechanical pencil. Will they navigate through unscathed, or shall these freshmen succumb to the voracious appetite of humanities teachers lurking in the bushes, demanding their share of Cornell notes? Buckle up your seatbelts and get ready for a madhouse of a good time as we embark on this adventure in whichwhere survival skills include dodging that teacher who knows about your three-week overdue missing assignment. All in the chaos of the untamed wilderness of life at NA we call education.

But beware and take heed, brave safari goers, for the gentle rhythm of the jungle where tranquility coexists with nature’s subtle tests. As we venture deeper into the academic wilderness, you may find yourself navigating narrow paths of crowded hallways, where the rhythm of cackling hyena friend groups reshapes the flow of the academic ecosystem, redirecting the wave of swarming student herds. Watch out for the mating couples known for their synchronized hand-holding hallway routines — a true test of agility and patience for even the most seasoned explorers. 

Now, as we emerge from the tangled vines of hallway chaos, our next stop awaits in the heart of the bustling cafeteria, a true spring of life in the academic savannah. Here, the students gather, and the air is thick with the sounds of clattering trays and the distinct brawls of the lunchtime rush. Much like a dense jungle, Newark Academy has its hidden treasures. Keep your senses sharp as you forage for the elusive empty seat: a coveted spot amid the cafeteria canopy. Will you be the one to discover the hidden oasis, where lunchtime tranquility reigns supreme? Or will you find yourself swept away in the flow of hungry students in search of sustenance? Maneuvering through this cacophony requires the skills of a safari guide — sidestepping wandering backpacks and dodging the occasional stray banana peel.  

In this academic safari, every corner holds a new adventure, and every challenge is an opportunity to showcase your survival skills. So, as always, don’t forget to strap on your metaphorical safari hat, compass, bug spray, and definitely pack those motion sickness pills — you’re going togonna need them as we continue through the jungle of Newark Academy.