By Caspar von Hollen ‘26, Humor Writer

Skates similar to these have surpassed Crocs in popularity. (Photo courtesy of Letterman Sports)

In a slew of new policies, the Newark Academy administration has announced plans to individually regulate the temperatures of classrooms based on the needs of the class. For example, to increase lab accuracy, chemistry classrooms will be kept at standard temperature and pressure, meaning 32°F. Students, however, are not letting their discontent go unheard. One 10th grade chemistry student said, “It’s so cold! I was forced to use a Bunsen burner to warm my hands.” On the other hand, chemistry teachers are rejoicing as the average percent error on students’ lab reports has dropped by a whole .05%! 

Similarly to the science classrooms, the administration saw potential in lowering the temperature of hallways. All hallways will be converted to ice rinks to allow students to get to class within the planned three minute passing periods. That’s right. Crocs are out and Bauer hockey skates are in! Be careful not to have your hockey pucks out in the hallway, though, or they might be taken by a teacher. Like every ice rink, the ice in the hallways needs to be cut and made smooth again. For this reason, the second half of the semester in Driver’s Ed has been changed to Zamboni Ed. After passing the Zamboni Ed test, which consists of only one question: “What the heck even is a Zamboni?” Students will be randomly selected to resurface the ice in the hallways. 

Other classrooms, like IB environmental science, are kept at a cozy 85°F so that students get to experience our warming world in real time. Another toasty room is the pool, which is kept at 90°F. This is the only room temperature change that students approve of. Recently, pool traffic has increased as students now go for a plunge during free periods to cool off and unwind. Additionally, student government approval ratings have skyrocketed after they managed to have a few truckloads of sand brought in so that students have a Livingston beach experience during the universal drop. The English Department was the first to buy into the beach craze when they assigned students “The Odyssey” as a beach read.

The beach and frozen hallways have let NA expand its athletics repertoire with three new sports: ice hockey, speed skating, and beach volleyball. This expansion comes with great success as the school has secured second place in the highest regional league in all three sports. After a hard-fought season, the teams just barely lost out to the only other team in the league: Pingry, which seems to have a team for every sport.

After a few months of beach free periods and frozen hallways, Newark Academy couldn’t pay the heating and cooling bills because its endowment had run dry. The school’s near bankruptcy led to an investigation that found the Student Endowment Committee responsible for all the madness. During an interview, all members of the committee avoided blame, dismissing their choice as “just another one of Leon’s crazy ideas.” Leon Sarkissian ‘25 responded to these comments in classic fashion by saying, “Who needs central heating when you can ignite the fire of curiosity within?”