By Joe DeNoon ’13, Humor Editor

Millions of people have taken to the streets to celebrate the return of Plain Bagel to the Newark Academy cafeteria. The cafeteria had been occupied by the followers of Whole Wheat Bagel for nearly a year, when a joint strike force team comprised of Navy Seal Team 462, retired Spetsnaz Elite soldiers, and a couple of disgruntled teenagers stormed the far side line. Needless to say, Twitter was involved in this uprising, stirring the emotions of the people with such tweets as “I want breakfast, but not Whole Wheat breakfast #insaneforplain #fiberstinks”. In what has been described as a total success, the mission involved the use of M-16 assault rifles, RPG-7’s, and plenty of Philadelphia Cream Cheese. With the legitimate leader of the Democratic Republic of the Cafeteria in the Morning reinstated, confidence in the fledgling nation’s economy skyrocketed. The country’s main commodity, the Bacon, Egg, and Cheese (BEC), is back in full production, and the country is looking to invest in both Carbohydrates and those easy bagel cutters that make the process so much simpler. When asked for his say on the redemption of Plain Bagel, Doug Brower said, “Get out of my office, you aren’t the serious part of the newspaper.” Clearly, the brutal occupation took its toll on his mind. In the end, however, Plain Bagel promised a return to normalcy. Therefore, he was quickly cut in half, bathed in butter, and consumed.