By Lila Rimalovski ’13, Staff Writer

After a very long, arduous, and complicated Outdoors Club meeting last Wednesday (Room 20 at 2:30, 2:50 on bonus schedule days if you are interested), I found myself wandering the halls of a place I like to call Newark Academy. This place has teachers, textbooks, mystery meat, and uncomfortable morning meeting presentations, but most importantly, this place contains the office of the one and only, Donald Austin. How I ended up in his office still remains a mystery, but what I found in his office, was destiny. No, it wasn’t a stack of multicolor post-its nor was it a diary regarding his middle school life including little stick figure drawings and old wads of chewing gum (actually that was there)…but anyway, my destiny discovery was neither of these things. I found—folded 17 times into the origami swan may I add—the January 2013 Newsletter addressed to the community. Although the letter is supposed to be released on January 1 of 2013, I feel it is essential, and my duty, to alert the community of the new and drastic changes that this school will soon encounter.

The letter reads as follows:

我喜歡奶酪 和船 faculty, students, and parents,

It is my pleasure to welcome you to the year 2013! I would like to personally congratulate each and every one of you for surviving the apocalypse. Mazel Tov! In addition, I am pleased to say that first half of the school year was swell. From Bonus Periods to more Bonus Periods to more Bonus Periods, this term has most definitely been a success. Oh! The Bonus Periods were wonderful as well. Regardless of how well the previous few months were, there is always—may I emphasize the always—room to improve in the future. The administrative staff and I are proud to announce a few minor changes to the school in the upcoming months. They are as follows:

1.From this point on, I hereby declare that I be addressed as “The Don” and nothing else. Failure to comply with this law (yes it is now in the handbook, page 37) will result in immediate loss of access to the grade clips located in the administrative hallway.

2. On February 11, Newark Academy will be hosting 321 native Eskimos from Wanahakalugi Mountain Range of Northern Alaska. In respect to their culture, the heating system will be turned off at school for the duration of their stay and it will be mandatory that all students wear proper winter attire during the day. If you are interested in hosting an Eskimo, please contact Mrs. McNeilly-Anta, head of immersion, for more information.

3. Because the “New Wing” is no longer very new, the school will be investing 3 million dollars into the creation of the “Newest New Wing” which will be located floating atop the reservoir behind the school. Looking further into the future, Newark Academy is planning to invest an additional 3 million dollars into the creation of the “Newest New Wing Out of The Previous Two New Wings” which will be located in the canopy of the wooded area surrounding the Carol Heaney Nature Trail.

4.To further extend the global perspectives of this community, each month there will be a new uniform designed for the student body. A committee, consisting of Fabulous & Featured’s Ahlia Bethea and Cory Tell All Sport’s Cory Tell, will decide the appropriate fashion for that month. For January, the attire will be that of the Native American Absaalooke Tribe.

5. The Cycle Days will now go in reverse, from 6 to 1.

6. Every period of the day is now called a bonus period.

7. Anything within the community that is disliked or doesn’t want to be completed but must be completed will be retitled with the word “bonus” before it. For example, there is no longer a line for froyo. Now, there is a bonus line for froyo! There is no more struggle with connecting your computer to the library printer, it is simply a bonus struggle.

8. For an unspecified duration of time, the Minuteman mascot will be suspended and replaced with a Komodo Dragon named Spike. I am proud to announce the Grand Opening of The Ad Lumen Sports Bar and Lounge! The construction for the New Wing was a mere cover for this project, mainly because the restaurant is completely underground. The entrance to Ad Lumen will remain unannounced—after all it is an exclusive faculty-only bistro.

10. The swimming pool will be turned into an ice rink for the new Knee Hockey Club and the Curling Team.

I truly hope everyone is excited as I am. 2013 will be etched into school history forever.

我喜歡奶酪 和船,

The Don