By Zachary Epstein ’14, Staff Writer

Good morning (or afternoon, or evening) dedicated readers. Here at the Humor Section, we strive to make life easier for our diligent readers, and we usually have some sort of success.

After looking at all the problems and obstacles facing our readers, we determined that there was one overwhelming problem that needed to be addressed: Lunch. Have you ever felt like you were starving? Have you ever thought that if you didn’t eat at precisely 11:30, death would fall upon you? How painful is the dreaded “15-minute rule” to your important daily routine? If you want nothing but for this rule to go away, you are not alone! But, unfortunately, we, your friends at the humor section, do not have that type of power. So, we offer you the next best thing: nine surefire ways to get around this pesky rule.

Disclaimer: Here at the Humor Section, we are not liable if you screw up when executing one of our fool-proof plans, which may lead to you getting caught.

10)       A Face in the Crowd

Find a large and rambunctious group of middle schoolers shuffling around aimlessly, about to enter the glorious hall of food. Using extreme stealth, sneak into the middle of the blob and enter stealth mode.* Get your food, eat, and enjoy.

9)         Going Incognito

During non-eating hours, go into the cafeteria and conduct research. Take samples of the wall colors, textures, and patterns. Also, measure approximate wall length. Either at home, or with the assistance of the Mad Food Scientist**, develop a camouflage suit. At the start of fourth period, go put on your camouflage suit and take position against the wall of your choice. Inconspicuously, slide along the wall as you enter the cafeteria. You may need to adjust your suit as wall patterns change. Get your food and then claim success.

8)         Getting Desperate

Go to a sketchy neighborhood. Look for a sketchy guy to sell you a forged birth certificate. Make sure to wear your preppiest clothes — so he knows you will be able to handle the fees! Ask him for a birth certificate saying you were born in 2001. Bring your newly acquired birth certificate to school, and walk into the cafeteria at 11:30 with excessive swag. If confronted, flash your birth certificate and keep walking like it is nobody’s business (it isn’t, kind of).

7)         Gaming the System

Bring medium, non-sequential bills to school. Linger outside the No-Entry Zone, preferably in the L. Find an innocent-looking and persuadable middle schooler. Give him the bribe to become your food minion, and wait for him to retrieve your food. Once he brings you the goods, you are free to enjoy your meal at your leisure.

6)         One of Them…

Study how teachers dress. Take note how they walk. Learn their mannerisms. Get to know teachers better than you know yourself. Once you feel ready, simply walk into the cafeteria, acting as a teacher would. Make sure to abide by all their odd behaviors and unfamiliar quirks. If confronted, continue with your charade, and simply tell your assailant you are a substitute teacher. You must have a background ready with a name, class taught, life story containing personal and unique life experiences, etc.

5)         Chat ‘n’ Leach

Find a nice teacher who loves having a good conversation. Right before the start of fourth period, strike up a conversation with this teacher and let them talk to their heart’s content. Then slowly influence Mr. Gertler – excuse us… the teacher –  to walk into the cafeteria while continuing the conversation. A lunchroom guard is unlikely to confront you if you have an Untouchable at your side, so just eat with this teacher.

4)         Being Prepared

Lunch is at the same time every day, in the exact same place. Hopefully, you know these variables beforehand, and can use this to your advantage. Go to your nearest sporting goods store to purchase a sleeping bag, a camping tent, canned food, and a ball-in-a-cup. On Sunday no later than 3:14pm, but no earlier than 2:44pm, begin setting up your campsite in a corner of the cafeteria, preferably behind a table. Make sure you have enough canned food to last you several days (it’s not like there is somewhere else you could get food). Once 11:30 comes around, you have already bypassed the administrations stringent security measures—you’re in the clear.

3)         Science!!!

Science is evolving so quickly that it is often hard to keep up with new discoveries and advances. With that in mind, we are assuming that by the time you are reading this, teleportation technology will have been mastered and commercialized. If not, don’t worry. Science is on the brink of this discovery, so we are sure you can perfect this technology if you put a little brainpower into it. Now that you have your teleporter, put the transmitter directly over the stove in the kitchen. Put the receiver in a skybox in the Great Hall, and transport the food once it is cooked.

Bonus: You can sell excess food on the underground market for some cash.

2)         The Marathon

We are willing to predict that Dr. D.’s running stamina is not what it used to be. Because of this, you must train with true dedication to become the best sprinter the world has ever seen. Once you feel ready, sprint in to the cafeteria at 11:29. As long as you escape with your food by 11:30, you should be safe.

1)         Who’s Who??

Study how Dr. D. dresses, with meticulous detail. On a Tuesday (no other day), approach the lunchroom at 11:30 dressed as Dr. D. Stand in the doorway and begins shooing away hungry high school hopefuls. When Dr. D. confronts you, create a huge scene and claim you are the real Dr. D. Once the real Dr. D. gets taken away (we have no idea what will happen to him), you are now free to eat whenever you want. Congratulations.

*Stealth Mode: sacrificing your legs from the knees down, by dropping to your knees. For the duration of stealth mode, you must move about on your knees

**Professor Bitler

NOTE: If you have an overwhelming issue that is ruining your life, e-mail me at zepstein14@newarka.edu, and I guarantee that I may be able to offer some sort of assistance.