By Zachary Epstein ’14, Humor Staff Writer

There are three camps of people at Newark Academy, and only one is able to do homework. The first camp is the non-procrastinating studiers. They are unable to do homework during their frees because they have already finished it over the weekend (14% of students). The next group of students is the natural-born geniuses; they have no need to waste their time with frivolous homework and studying (88% of students). The third camp of students is students who choose not to do their homework (7% of students). Some reasons may include: being confused by words, losing the great battle with procrastination, or suffering from “too cool for school syndrome.” The fourth camp is students who are unable to count (2.9% of students).

If you are bored during your unproductive frees and want to learn to be productive, your friends at the humor section have written you a step-by-step instruction guide.

7) Build the Taj Mahal out of cards

The Taj Mahal is one of the most beautiful buildings in the world. Who wouldn’t want to be part of building such a masterpiece? So you should build your own replica out of cards! Due to the Taj Mahal’s natural grayish-white hues, you should only use the black cards from the deck; this may require several decks. In the future, you can now tell your inferiors that you built the great Taj Mahal.

Note: Step-by-step instructions can be found by Googling “Taj Mahal Floorplans” and clicking on the fourth link on the second page.

6) Organizing Your Sock Drawer

You may be wondering how you can organize your sock drawer at school. We offer two possible methods. The first is to bring your entire dresser to school (this will also be quite the workout). The other technique would be to bring only your sock drawer to school. You can leave it in the L (what can’t be left there?), and go get it during your free. Feel free to organize at your leisure; you may leave your sock drawer in the L overnight.

5) Write Articles for the School Newspaper

You don’t even need to be a writer. I am not. Just email your article to someone related to the newspaper (don’t forget I am not affiliated). For the rest of your life, you can refer to yourself as a “staff writer,” whatever that means.

4) Solve One of the World’s Unsolved Mysteries

From math problems to life questions, there are tons of questions in the world that, even today, philosophical greats such as Miley Cyrus and Sarah Palin have not been able to answer. Head over to a Wikipedia page of ‘Unsolved Problems in [favorite pastime],’ and you will be amazed with how many things we don’t know. If you succeed, you have the ability to become the next Roger Pythagoras.

3) Go Swimming in the School Pool

No further explanation needed.

Edit: My superiors informed me that further explanation was in fact needed. In the swimming pool, you can work on your swimming strokes and your water survival techniques. We have all imagined being Pi Patel, and know that if he were a decent swimmer (which you will now be), he would have simply swum to the nearest land.

2) Find Your Love

Set up a convoluted scavenger hunt in the library, with each find simply being the next clue. Make sure the first clue says there is a huge monetary prize. Put your phone number as the final clue. If you ever receive a call requesting the prize, you have found your soul mate. Who else would waste their time on such a ludicrous scavenger hunt?

1) Be More Good at Math

If you fall into the fourth camp from the introduction, you should consider meeting with your math teacher. However for some, there is simply no hope…