By Max Whitmore ’14, Humor Editor

SOCHI, SOVIET UNION – A malfunctioning lighting effect in Friday’s Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics has led to controversial killings by President Valdimir Putin. Suspended above the heads of thousands of spectators at the Fisht Olympic Stadium, five electric rings were supposed to blossom from snowflakes creating the iconic image of the Olympic rings. The problem was, one failed to bud. The snowflake in the upper right corner was unsuccessful in becoming a ring, resulting in an embarrassing opening show for Putin. To compensate for the humiliating mishap, sources say the Russia’s Army General, Ребекка Горелов (translation: Rebecca Gorelov), has launched airstrike attacks against г-н Остин (translation: Mr. Austin), the man responsible for lighting the fifth ring. Sources confirmed that Gorelov intends on making the rest of Остин’s life full of painful agony and torture.