By Dylan Flanagan and Noah Nazmiyal

Please note that everything in this article and everything in the full Mono video to come is completely true. Everything stated is accurate information on the Mono “outbreak” at Newark Academy. 

Editor’s Note: Please ignore the italics above Noah and Dylan made most of this up.

In the upcoming set, we, Detective Dylan and Inspector Noah, will be making a video investigating the spread of mono throughout the school.

Have you or a family member ever been affected by mono? Did you share chapstick with Zach Lathrop? That’s irrelevant, but you shouldn’t do that anyway, ever.

In this video, we are going to uncover who first spread Mono around this fine institution. We will be speaking with Erin Mooney, who claims she was one of the initial recipients (but her blood test results say otherwise), and Noah Sellinger, who says he has played a role in the spread of the disease, which we all know is highly unlikely. The health risk has students around school on edge. As Nick Martino said, “I hope I get it.” Truly fascinating and scary stuff. But don’t worry, Dylan and Naz will get to the bottom of who first spread this terrifying disease. Stay tuned for our video next set.

BUT WAIT! Do you have clues, confirmed victims, or valuable secrets? Email us at monoinvestigation@newarka.edu* and you will be granted immunity from the disease.

*That’s not actually a real email address, so just tell us in the hallway if you have any juicy gossip.

Until next month……