By Perrin Clark ’15, Commentary Editor

Mitt Happens?

Yes, as many quipped in 2012, Mitt Happens. In fact, it’s happening again. Gather your dusty Romney 2012 T-Shirts (well, even though it’s 2016, the idea is the same) from that box in the basement and tell your friends not to be concerned about the very poor, because I am 47% sure that Willard is gettin’ the old band back together again for one more national comedy tour of laughs and disaster.

When good ol’ Mittens announced to his buddies at a campaign reunion of sorts that he “really wants to be president,” Republicans and conservatives responded not with cheers but with groans, not just within punditry and the blogosphere, but here at the Academy as well. When I asked resident conservative faculty member, Mr. Bitler, for his reaction, he thundered, “I will never vote for Mitt Romney. He’s too liberal for me.” In 2012, Mr. Bitler voted for a third party candidate, not Romney. Indeed, about three million other conservatives also decided to “self-deport” from team Romney.

Of course, the former presidential candidate has all but entered the race with his trademark flip-flopping. After his crushing defeat in 2012, the former governor of Massachusetts confidently proclaimed that he would never again run for president. Now, he “really wants to be president.” However, on January 16^th, at the Republican National Committee winter gathering in San Diego, Romney, the former Bain Capital executive, did not answer whether he would throw his hat into the ring.

This move was ironic, considering that he said this on an aircraft carrier. Considering that the politician was speaking on a naval vessel, I would think he would have tried to convey some sort of leaderly, confident and certain opinion, not the political tripe of playing coy with the public and “maybe, maybe not” nonsense. Then again, Mitt was always the type of guy to send mixed messages, leaving you scratching your head as opposed to feeling inspired. One could find him trashing Reagan or praising him, creating universal healthcare or vowing to repeal universal health care passed by Obama. Now, he believes that he can “run to the right” of Jeb Bush. Yet, Bush’s respectable tenure as governor of Florida was without question more conservative than Romney’s tenure as governor of Massachusetts. Like most people, I am only becoming more confused as I search for answers in “The Ballad of Mitt ‘severely conservative yet my views are progressive’ Romney.”

Like many of you, I feel like I am watching a train wreck in incredibly slow motion. 2016 is far away, but as a Republican I cannot bear the thought of losing the White House again. Millionaire Hillary Clinton saying that she was “dead broke” and Obama sneering that residents of rural Pennsylvania are “bitter and angry; they cling to their guns and religion” stand out as examples of liberal gaffes. However, we are now at a crossroads of political buffoonery where I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, and we Republicans must join together to prevent the greatest electoral flub up since, well, 2012.

Mitt, I know that you are probably not reading this article on the website of a high school newspaper, but wherever you are, please listen, because we are here, and we care about you. Therefore, in this intervention of sorts, we are urging you not to run for President. Lose once? Shame on you. Lose twice? Shame on you. Lose three times? Shame on the system of American democracy that manages to keep nominating you. Running again for President would be like rebuilding the Titanic and sending it back across the Atlantic with no lifeboats. Although, that analogy is a bit unfair, considering that the Titanic had just one epic fail while you had two.