By Jake McEvoy ’18, Staff Writer

“Let the games begin!” hollers an exuberant Ms. Galvin, defending gold medalist of this year’s most popular competition. This year marks the fifth anniversary of the NABSC (Newark Academy Bag-Stealing Competition), and is possibly its most ambitious year yet. Board of Trustee Gene A. Waldorf along with the rest of the board of trustees have broadened the rules for the NABSC. Bags no longer have to fall under the umbrella of a “fire hazard” to be eligible for the NABSC; in fact, all bags are up for grabs this year, and when I say all bags, there are literally no boundaries. None.

It seems like everyone is joining in as the school year gets into full swing. “It’s open-season!” Dr. DiBianca yelled giddily, as he snatched another freshman backpack from under the L bench to add to his collection. Even Mr. Parlin is getting involved, as he was seen barreling through students, trying to grab as many bags as possible from the senior corridor. When asked about his participation in the NABSC, Mr. Parlin simply responded, “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” That kind of mindset could really cost him down the stretch of the season. Another jubilant contestant of this year’s festivities, Mr. Yow simply hissed and flashed a glimpse of his yellow eyes and forked tongue, which the student body has interpreted as a positive sign!

Along with this substantial rule change, which has made the pool of bags available that much bigger, many more were added, such as a point bonus for every child brought to tears, and a triple point multiplier for every confused and angry parent. Ms. Galvin is once again leading the proverbial pack this year, with a new school record of 37 bags, seven tearful kids, and four livid mothers. She was even seen walking through the front doors of Newark Academy with a few backpacks from Kushner in hand. “We’ve got a long year ahead of us, so I don’t want to get too complacent with my position. If I want to hit 500 bags this year, I’ve got to get to work. I wish the best of luck to my opponents, and I would like to thank my family, God, and most of all, the students for this opportunity,” the favorite for this year’s NABSC, Ms. Galvin, comments, as she rips a bag straight from a sophomore’s back, rushing to get to his next class.

*DISCLAIMER: This is satire. The above quotes are meant for comedic purposes and do not reflect the actual words or thoughts of the aforementioned faculty. Please use your lockers. Detention is not fun. Fines are not fun. And Ms. Galvin has only collected 36 bags.