By Jackson Powers ’20, Staff Writer

We all thought the USSR fell in 1991. We thought we were free from the era of espionage, puppet wars, and most importantly, backwards Soviet Russia jokes. But we were wrong. You see, the USSR still thrives in Eastern Europe – plotting, planning, and trying to get more than one country in the U.N to recognize it. It is not the USSR anymore. No, the name is much more menacing and memorable now. Fear Transnistria. Or Transritia. Or Transnitaria. I’m not sure how you spell it. Don’t get me started on pronouncing it.

Forget China, and its 2,000,000-person-strong military. Forget whichever one of the Koreas is declaring war on us now. Even forget Russia, like the one that has been hacking our servers, and has actual nukes. Just forget about all of them. We need to focus on The Soviet State of Transnistria. With a total population that is less than half of our active troops, Transnistria is a menace. Winning one war against the proud and mighty Moldova, they have never lost a war! It is truly scary when a country of such magnitude has a perfect war record.

Its ties to the Soviet Union are present everywhere you look. Pictures of Stalin and Putin (we knew you were a closet Soviet) are common. They are such loyal devotees of the Russian Government that Putin hasn’t actually acknowledged they exist. In fact, the only countries in the world that have accepted and recognized Transnistria are not even acknowledged by the UN themselves. Transnistria evidently is a growing empire in global politics with all of its influence worldwide.

It has the same Soviet Flag, sickle, hammer, and all – plus a green stripe in the middle. Green has very specific implications. The entire country therefore must be a member of Slytherin. All Soviets are also Death Eaters. What did we learn from Igor Karkaroff and his possibly Russian heritage?

In short, I’m asking you to fear Transnistria: a small sliver of land with a total population that is half of our military, is not recognized by Russia, and officially, is not even a country. At the end of the day, when you put all of these factors together, you just have to accept that no one has any idea how to say Transnistria without messing up the first few times. Oh, and communism. Always communism.