By Tyler Mudge ’18, Staff CDO Salesman

The following is the transcript of two Newark Academy faculty members in the Administration Hallway in an on January 5^th 2017 at 7:30 AM.

I did not ask permission for putting a recording device in an office, I assumed no one would mind.

Their names have been changed to protect their identity

Enter JON BOSTON.

BOSTON: B-Dawg! Wassssssssssup! Guess who has two thumbs and crushed it at “Dave and Buster’s” last night?!

JON BOSTON heartily slaps DR. B’s back.

DR. B: Ah, I assume it’s you?

BOSTON: Ahhhh, does this answer your question?

Audible rustling as MR. BOSTON digs through his jacket pocket for 45 seconds

DR. B: What- what are those?

BOSTON: What are these? Try a nice 50 mil of “D&B” tickets.

MR. B: What? How? How long were you there?

BOSTON: At least 75 hours. 75 hours straight, that is.

DR. B: They leave the games on at night?

BOSTON: No, no they do not.

Twelve minutes of silence as both DR. B and JON stare at each other, without blinking or making a sound

DR. B: Well Jon, that’s great but I-

BOSTON: Yeah, I got better and better every time I played – sometimes I’d bring in ten, maybe fifteen tickets from Ski Ball, Hoop Fever, Air Hockey, you name it. Got more tickets than you’ll ever walk out of Dave and Bs with.

JON scoffs in the face of DR. B.

DR. B: Yeah I guess. Didn’t that cost a lot?

BOSTON: Cost a lot? Try cost a ton – were talking 60, 70 hundo.

DR. B: Geez, that’s just being negligent, these tickets can’t be worth that much.

BOSTON: Oh they can, but I did make some questionable investments – some elementary school squeaker took me down almost 20 hundo in coins, he told me he could guarantee double my money back from “behind closed doors” skyball. About ten minutes later, I see him buying his friends a round of Pepsi cola’s with my coins- I try to talk some sense into him, next thing I know I’m behind the glass in a claw game with a bloody nose.

DR. B: God Jon, were you robbed?

BOSTON: Robbed? I wish – I started screaming, literally begging people to let me out of the claw game, but no one seemed to care. I start sweating profusely from all that yapping I’m doing in a 2 by 2 by 2 glass box. It gets so hot I have to shed some layers. I pass out, come to God-knows how many minutes later, and I squeeze myself through the prize hole of the machine.

DR. B: I honestly feel uncomfortable hearing this story.

BOSTON: Yeah, don’t. So I weaseled my way through a hole about 3 nickels wide, head first and slick. Plop – I landed on the crusty rug of D&B’s ready to find the kid who owes me 50G of coins and shake it out of him like a towel after a day at the beach. A security guard began to approach – he obviously saw the rage in my eyes – and he made a move to restrain me, but I was so greased up from my time in the claw machine that I slipped right through his little sausage hands. I ran away as he chased me with the help of most of the dads in the store. Next thing I know, I was cornered in the men’s bathroom. I tried to talk some sense into them, saying that I am Dave D. Buster. They wanted nothing to do with it so I scrambled up into the rafter and passed out – most likely because I have lived off 2 orders of popcorn chicken and upwards of 30 virgin strawberry daiquiris for the better part of the last 65 hours.

A couple seconds of silence pass.

BOSTON: You don’t seem very impressed.

DR. B: Wow, honestly, I don’t know what I’m suppose to do with this information. It seems like a lot to take in.

BOSTON: Gah! Do with this information? How about you give me a high ten for my sick weekend.

DR. B hesitantly high fives JON. JON holds onto DR. B’s hands and closes his eyes, as a small smile flickers over Jon’s mouth.

BOSTON: Wow, that just – I really needed that from you.

DR. B returns to typing on the computer. The door begins to creak closed, JON bursts back in.

BOSTON: Ah, almost forgot all these. Don’t mind me.

The sound of paper and fabric rustling as JON spends the better part of ten minutes stuffing 70 hundo worth of D&B tickets into his jacket and pants pockets.

End of Tape