By Jackson Powers ’20, Staff Writer

Sometimes, here at NA, we need to be reminded of what’s important in life. By that, I mean the bell. We xenophobes here at Newark Academy must stand against this tyranny if we ever want to restore peace to our halls. Here is a list of 10 bells that would be better than the one we have now. I have channeled my inner Buzzfeed editor and written a list worthy of the feature section.

DISCLAIMER: If you, or others around you, are allergic to (in some cases, offensive) sarcasm, keep reading.

1. The screaming goat
For those that don’t know, the “screaming goat” is often remixed to Taylor Swift’s hit single, “Trouble.” It is truly wonderful and it is the closest thing we have on this Earth to true serenity. Often used by Buddhist monks to meditate.

2. Trump saying China
Yes, I’m liberal. Whaddya mean I’m salty?

3. Air horn.
Now absolutely no one will have an excuse to be late. Try not hearing this. Downside: Burst eardrums.

4. “The Sound of Silence (Hello Darkness My Old Friend)” by Simon and Garfunkel (beginning of new period) and “Roar” by Katy Perry (end of previous period)
Perfect for all except those who enjoy being in school. On an unrelated note, “Roar” is just a good song.

5. Michael P falling in Roblox.
Look it up. Just look it up.

6. Gabe the Dog “Borking”
It is perfect for all the dog lovers in the world. Another upside: It would irritate all of the monsters who prefer cats. Viva la revolucion.

7. The angry rants of the ailurophiles (cat-lovers) and conservatives I have triggered in this very article.
They power me every day, like the children’s screams from Monsters Inc.

8. Literally

9. Anything

10. Else