By Anne Ruble’17 and Ezra Lebovitz’18, Staff Writers

Amy “Mama Schotts” Schottland: “I’ve never thrown anything at a ghost, honey. That isn’t really what the humanities are about.” When asked what the humanities were, in fact, about, Ms. Schottland proceeded to mumble nervously about the cosmic womb and wondered aloud whether we had some work we ought to be doing. We did.

Benson Hawk: “That’s not what historians do.  Also, shouldn’t you be working on your IA?” I should have been.

Sarah Fischer: “Alright, so it’s 2008 and I’m walking to my car after a Stop-and-Shop run, right? I’ve got my whole wheat bread, my mac and cheese, a peanut butter smoothie I was picking up for Mr. Reed, and all of a sudden I see the ghost of Leon Trotsky approaching me. I knew it was a ghost and not someone who looked like Leon Trotsky because he wasn’t wearing the hippest fashions of the day and also, he was glowing. I didn’t know what to do! So I did what anyone would do when confronted by the glowing ghost of Leon Trotsky: I dropped my grocery bags on the ground and lifted a nearby 2011 Kia Sorento and chucked it at him with all my might. I never saw him again.” When asked if she had any regrets, Fischer simply replied, “Sometimes I think I should’ve gone for the ice pick in my bag instead of a nearby car. But the past is the past.”

Peter Reed: “I guess a peanut butter smoothie?”

Kirsti Morin: “That issue hasn’t really come up.”

Rayna Lifson: “I don’t think you understand what the humanities department does.”

Candice Powell-Caldwell: “I’ve never done that. I don’t know anyone who has.” Despite her denial, these reporters did note that lying in Powell-Caldwell’s recycling bin was a single six inch stiletto with what appeared to be ectoplasm on the heel. As of the time of this publication, she has still refused to confirm or deny these claims.

Blackwood “Blackie” Parlin: “Hm, I’ll have to go with a 1958 John Deere tractor. Charlemagne. Downtown San Diego.” Parlin refused to elaborate on this point.

Jeff Vinikoor: “Please leave.”