By Jackson Powers ’20, Staff Writer

I’m sure many of you out there have always wondered: am I living up to my full potential as a snowboarder? Is there a better way to use my utter disregard of mountain etiquette to ruin and hopefully injure innocent skiers? This guide will answer all of these questions and more!

1. Stop anywhere at anytime. If something is ever to go wrong with a binding, or you just want to stop because you’re a lazy idiot who can’t handle, like, 10 minutes before you get to the bottom of the slope, remember this one rule: stop in the middle of the slope. If you stop in the middle, you are positioning yourself for maximum casualties. Now, skiers going too fast to stop will be forced to either hit you, or swerve to avoid you. Both cases end up with one ski in a tree, and the other halfway down the mountain.
2. Take up all the room on chairlifts. A snowboarder attaches the board to one foot when mounting a chairlift. This causes the board to be held at an angle when riding a lift. Use this to your advantage! Knock into skiers, force them to move, etc. Skiers will hate it when your board is tangled with their skis.
3. Carve up the mountain. When going down a slope, make sure you tear up all fresh powder, leaving nothing but ice for the skiers to slip on. If you can’t get rid of it all, just make the snow all choppy to destroy the skiers hopes of doing a “groomed” run. Sure, you have to share the mountain, but why should the skiers get any snow? This procedure will waste a day for skiers with otherwise good conditions for sure. I still don’t understand why some mountains ban snowboarders…
4. Knock them out of the way. Skiers just don’t seem to understand that snowboarders deserve right of way at all times. If there’s a skier in front of you who’s trying to kill your wicked speed, run ‘em down. The faster you are the better. Teach them a lesson: +10 bonus points if they lose their skis. +25 if they need ski patrol to bring them down off the mountain. +50 if they never walk again. It’s a family-friendly activity, and it will make almost any skier miserable.
5. Assume you’re good at the terrain park. Being a snowboarder automatically means you can grind, jump, and go down the halfpipe like a boss. Remember this as you crash, slide, or otherwise get in the way of the experienced skiers there. Make sure you (a) land on them, or (b) force them to cut their trick short so they don’t land on you. If you can successfully jump onto a skier, you immediately become cool and ensure that the skier will suffer some kind of trauma, physical or mental. Try and get both! We all know that being an idiot in the terrain park has no consequences. My typing this entire article with a fractured growth plate is in no way because I screwed up a jump!

There are many ways to dampen the mountain experience for skiers. But in the end, the best way to tick off skiers is to simply exist. Also, I am a snowboarder, and if these outlandish stereotypes fit your view of snowboarders, you are a boardist. #Snowboardersarepeopletoo