By Ben Leit ’18, Humor Editor

We are currently in the midst of what one day might considered as one of the most bizarre times in history: we have a good president, sexism, racism, and LGBTQIA discrimination remain prevalent, and last week my mommy yelled at me for knocking over a glass of cranberry juice. Yet, the perhaps most unprecedented shift in today’s society is one of the smallest: the Fidget Spinner.

Everybody and their mother has a Fidget Spinner, and they are becoming a problem. They’re everywhere. Shopping malls, Instagram memes – even Amazon.com. In fact, the Fidget Spinner Epidemic (the FSE) has gotten so severe, they’ve been banned from several schools, such as Mount Pleasant Elementary School in Livingston, N.J. I recently called up my nine-year old cousin Jeremy Leit, a current student at Mount Pleasant, to ask him about the Fidget Spinner Epidemic, to which he responded:

“Ben, you are honestly so pathetic. Aren’t you seventeen years old?”

Anyway, we’ve seen sudden rises similar to the likes of Fidget Spinners in the past – Silly Bandz, Rainbow Looms – but nothing has set out to accomplish something as ambitious what the Fidget Spinner has set out to do. If I’m not mistaken, it claims to cure ADHD. Awesome.

So, in an attempt to better understand this little piece of ADHD-curing plastic, I traveled to one of the scummiest places in New Jersey (and that’s saying something!): The Livingston Mall. Eight hours and $45 later, I emerged successful, and with this, my study began.

I have to admit, initially, I struggled pretty severely with my Fidget Spinner, considering I have what is generally considered “low-level intellect” and “stupid meaty fingers”, but as my spinning skills progressed, my admiration for the Fidget Spinner grew. At first, my relationship with my Fidget Spinner was ironic (you know, kind of a ‘meta’ thing?), but my slight fondness quickly grew into a time-consuming obsession. I soon realized that nothing else in this life matters beyond that of the Fidget Spinner. I began to pray to it. Nothing too serious, but a couple of sacrifices/burnt offerings here and there.

So, did the Fidget Spinner cure my ADHD (I don’t have ADHD)? No. Did it, however, decrease my overall productivity and sense of self-worth? Certainly. Would I recommend this product? Absolutely.

I’d like to conclude this article with a quote from Richard Leit, a licensed psychologist and my uncle! When explicitly asked, “Can (Fidget Spinners) cure ADHD?”, he said: “No,”. The future looks promising.