By Ben Leit ’18, Humor Editor and Registered Nurse

I believe it was Alexander MacWhorter who once said, “Boy oh boy, I am so stressed out for this IB Enviro test, I could just murder an endangered red panda! Lol.” Well, as a current NA student in what my mother hopes to be my only senior year, I know that feeling. So, for those of you who are new students: welcome! Here are my 10 Quick Tips for New Newark Academy Students!

1. Our school has a strict no-backpacks-on-the-floor policy, in order to eliminate potential fire hazards – but backpacks aren’t hazardous to fires at all; if anything, they help fires spread a little faster. To really help, fill empty backpacks with dry planks of wood, and spread them out evenly across the floor.
2. Go to the library and eat printer ink to impress your friends.
3. Speaking of eating, please bring food out of the dining hall. The administration really needs something to scapegoat for our persistent pest problem.
4. Each year, the freshman class participates in their annual tradition of releasing live swine into the arts wing. Try to be the first to bring in a greased pig.
5. The athletic wing bathrooms are the best for crying.
6. After your time at NA, feel free to reach out to our tight-knit alumni network. For example, Akshay Oberoi (or in Hindi, अक्षय ओबेराय), now a Bollywood actor, attended Newark Academy from 1996 to 2003, and would love to hear from you! You might know him from Vidhi Kasliwal’s 2010 critical flop, Isi Life Mein (“In This Life Only”).
7. The new middle school bathrooms aren’t that bad, either.
8. While the vast majority of Newark Academy teachers are very understanding about moving a test, some aren’t. At that point, you really have two options: either vomit at their feet, or try to pass out and collapse on the floor.
9. Befriend one of the forest-dwelling nymphs. They run everything around here.  
10. Social life here at NA is almost wholly dependent on your looks.
11. If you’re sick, come to school anyway to show your dedication. Also, make sure to sneeze on everybody and cough super loudly – it’ll give you the attention that you’re desperate for!
12. Learn to count to ten.