by Ben Leit ‘18, Concerned Citizen and Humor Editor

Ahhh, yes. Vaping. Because nothing else screams cool quite like sucking fruity nicotine out of a flash-drive.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, vaping and electronic cigarettes are sweeping the nation, and everybody – except for teachers and parents (yuck!) – seems to love them. They’re supposedly less harmful than cigarettes, they come in cool trendy flavors, they’re easy to hide, you can charge them from your laptop, and kids absolutely love them.

Now, vaping is everywhere – parties, locker rooms, school bathrooms, French classes – and according to The Boston Globe, “(vaping) has gotten so intense that administrators are sending home emails.” In result, many have claimed that the “teenage vaping epidemic” has gotten way out of hand.

I couldn’t disagree more.

Vapes are just the cigarettes of the 21st century! And yes, I know – nicotine is “bad” and “ruins lives” – but it’s also a time-honored, American tradition. This country was founded on nicotine. Cool kids in movies have been smoking for years! Nicotine is not just going to cease existing; it’s ingrained into our culture. We’ve got to embrace that.

So, let’s take this a step further.

In 2017, children as young as high school freshmen have started vaping regularly. Disgusting. We should be starting these kids a little younger. Thirteen years old seems like a solid demographic: impressionable, fearless, and going through puberty. Perfect. Plus, vapes would be a killer Bar Mitzvah party favor!

Actually, you know what? Let’s bring down the age a little bit more, and get rid of ice cream trucks. Vape trucks will be the new thing. Instead of Spongebob popsicles, mango e-juice; instead of Dora popsicles, even more mango e-juice. And while we’re at it, let’s do away with pacifiers – they’ve always been kind of gross, anyways – and usher in the new age of Gerber®’s Pear, Zucchini, & Corn vaping products.

A little outlandish, I know. Satirical, almost! But, humor won’t help the problem. I can make fun of vaping all I want, but it nonetheless remains a pressing issue – after all, we’ve dedicated an entire edition of The Minuteman to it (and since The Minuteman is only published, like, four times a year now, that’s a big deal).

So, let’s address the nicotine-addicted elephant in the room.

Newark Academy is not a perfect place. In fact, there are many things imperfect about The Academy – sometimes the school lunches are too good, or the students are too relaxed. But, do we have a vaping problem? No. No, we don’t. Absolutely not. I mean, come on. Us? A vaping problem? Give me a break! I mean, if we did have a vaping problem, don’t you think we’d hear more about it? Don’t you think that we as a community would be taking more significant, meaningful steps to address the situation, as a duty not only to students’ physical well-being, but their futures?

Me too. Good thing we don’t have a vaping problem.