By Teddy McGraw ‘20 and Michael Wang ‘20, Staff Writers

Newark Academy is divided. The Hunger Games are about to commence. Only one department will win, all others will fall. Math, Science, History, English, Language, Arts, and Health will all fight to the death. All your favorite teachers…dead.

We have interviewed each department. Below is an analysis on how this will end.

THE Math Elites:

These aren’t just any math elites, they are THE Math Elites. Deemed as possibly the most collaborative and competitive group, THE Math Elites are really confident in themselves. The majority of the population may think that *Self-Proclaimed* Kooky Rebecca Gordon is the most dangerous, however, even she admits that the “innocent Abby Ayers is a wild card because she is so nice that someone will think that she is not dangerous, then she will scream ‘That’s enough!’ and rip out someone’s spine, and then proceed to say sorry.” Additionally, The Big Doc Ungaro whispered, “Dr. Jacobson will throw vegetables.” Although they have protractors, compasses, and Mr. Alford’s coding on their side, the department believes that Bobby Hobby in science is their biggest threat. *Self-Proclaimed* Kooky Rebecca stated, “Dr. Hobson would make a smoke bomb while mumbling in disapproval to himself, and then everything would blow up.”

Science:

Nobody wanted to talk to the press. Nobody. Sly Celente believes, “Science, besides Mr. Ryan, will win because we have acid and scalpels. Mr. Ryan will charge out with a lot of passion and then trip and die really quickly.” They also think that their problem solving and knowledge of the natural world would coincide with Dan Erlandson’s ability to change the environment and help them take down their biggest claimed threat: THE Math Elites. When asked about their prominent leader, the Ever-so-Kind Ms. Hone, several members of science responded, “We would sacrifice her first.”

Humanities:

When asked to what extent the Humanities department will compete in the Hunger Games, fashionista Sean Cosgrove said, “While science, THE Math Elites, and Health departments are strong, Humanities will win because they are steeped in military history tactics, strategy, and imperial impulse.” (circa 2018). When asked what the main threat to the Humanities department is, Sean C responded, “Math, because they are a Mean Girls clique.” (circa 2018). And as far as their weapons, they have protest banners and Ms. Outlaw, “because you don’t mess with the outlaw.” (circa 2018).

English:

Paper cuts are the key to success for the English department, along with their fearless leader Nice Man Neil Stourton because, “What doesn’t he bring?” (DeSanta). Although one anonymous member of the English department believed that they would not win, Mrs. Hamilton thinks otherwise. She believes that, “English will win, because I always win. I would kill everyone by not letting anybody touch Ms. James.” Moreover, she trusts that Dr. Lankin’s limited tolerance for nonsense and ability to reflect on the nature of hunger will result in an easy victory.

Language:

All other departments laughed at the thought of the Language department competing. Their biggest fault is the ironic lack of ability to communicate. Although English is their common language, for the majority of them, it is not their first language. Profé certainly believes science is the biggest threat. Why, you ask? “Because, science!” Profé is also relying on fellow Spanish teacher Patty Pascal to carry the team, “Because she is one with the force.” And finally when asked about the leadership of the department head, he responded, “Ms. Lysinger brings a sense of je ne sai quoi. It will help us win.” What is je ne sai quoi? No one knows. Seriously, look it up and that’s what you’ll get.

Arts:

Not even the Arts department themselves think they have a chance at winning, but they do think that they can put up a good fight. They plan on relying on Mr. Yow due to the fact that he has a beard and can build a tank out of popsicle sticks. Also, “Mr. Lal is a wild card because of his uncontrollable temper. He’s like the incredible Hulk on steroids when you sing out of tune, minus the muscles,” @JToleMusic said. A passionate Fortnite player, @JToleMusic has learned a few tricks from the game: “I’m a camper. I’d be hiding in a bush all the way to the end. It would be Ms. Brodie and me at the end with poisonous berries and I’d pretend to eat them and once I saw her swallow them, I’d spit mine out.” Perhaps @JToleMusic’s ability to turn on the leader of the arts department will ultimately be their downfall.

Health:

Health. The forgotten department. Small, but mighty. “Mrs. Fernandes will mop the school with blood,” Andy Ryan stated. Perhaps the Health Department should be the favorite. Mrs. Fernandes said, “Ms. Spooner has the brains. Mr. O’Reilly is new and quiet, but he’s a Monster.” In terms of equipment, they’ve got everything! “You name it, we have it,” Fernandes said. The Health department also has the pure physical strength and force of Big Billy Blomn. Nobody would want to get in his way in a fight. Nobody. The Health Department does not have complicated strategies; they have a single leader, and the force to back it up.

The End Result:

We have our money on Health; they have simply got it all. They have the leadership, the tools, the power, and the agility to win it all. While some spectators might believe that powerhouse departments like THE Math Elites, science, or Humanities may take the win, individual personalities are simply too big for the departments to function as a cohesive unit. Arts, English, and Language will simply be too analytical, and will ask the question, “Why?” too much to fully complete the mission. Health will not over-analyze and will simply do.