By Michael Wang ’20 and Teddy McGraw ’20, Humor Editors

“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” -Blaise Pascal

Simply put, humans are not meant to be in a relationship together. The whole idea of marriage was a political construct designed during medieval times to join kingdoms together. Love was never in the equation.

In forty years, I don’t see myself waking up on a mattress in the morning and being happy to see my spouse lying next to me. Did our kindergarten teachers fail at teaching us to respect personal bubbles? What happened to wholesome I Love Lucy when people would sleep in separate beds? That was a beautiful time. Somehow Ricky stayed with Lucy even though she was a bumbling buffoon. Clearly being separate had something to do with it. 

Our whole idea of everlasting love is simply idiotic. Our budget for love is only so large. Am I going to waste it on one person I am going to fall out of love with (highschool sweetheart), or am I going to ration it around? We’re just being reasonable.

You see, this new generation of adolescents (pre-teens and teenagers) feels a societal pressure to be in a relationship. Such adolescents then persuade themselves that they love somebody or feel loved by somebody as an excuse to post pictures of themselves with their partner on social media. Disgusting. Immature. Pathetic.

You don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. Remember the days when you were a bachelor/bachelorette? Where you were free? Don’t you miss it? Don’t lie. I can tell you, it’s great. You get to hang with the bois every weekend, play pickup games of two-hand-touch football, and maybe have a sleepover or two. To all you dudes in a relationship, when’s the last time you’ve had a true guys’ night out (without any Yoko Ono stuff)? 

Now, we know what some of you are thinking: “You’re just saying all this stuff to convince yourselves that you are better off, when truly, you feel the pain of being single.” Let me tell you…I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE HAPPY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE THAN RIGHT NOW. I’m not chained up. I’m not obligated to be anyone’s emotional crutch. You’ve only got one life. Spread that love around, baby. To your friends of course, as we do not endorse polygamy. 

I think it’s time for the conclusion. Pencils and papers out, everybody. Tell your partner that you don’t love them, because you don’t. They’d rather be hurt by the truth than to be lied to. The reality is that they don’t love you either. 

As the famous philosopher Michael Wang, part of the exclusive 79th generation of Confucius’s descendants, once said, “You can’t tell someone you love them if you don’t know what it means.”

Only Michael and Teddy know what love is 😉