By: Ben Glickman ‘23 Humor Editor, Molly Breckman ‘23 Humor Editor with guest contributor Evan Breckman ‘25 

This Money Took Your Parents 2 Months to Earn! (Credit: Shuttertock Images)

As many of you know, Newark Academy’s annual tuition increased by $5,000 this year. But very few of you know where this money is going. 

Keeping with the administration’s effort to increase transparency with the Newark Academy community, we are honored to report that your money is going to the article that you’re currently reading. Thank you. 

To write this article to its full potential, we were given a budget of $3.25 million and after crunching the numbers and juggling things around, we were left with $1 million to play with. Just enough money to write the best article ever so we can finally win the Pulitzer which we look forward to proudly presenting to Don Austin at an all school morning meeting. 

“How did you spend the money?” you may be asking.

We spent it well. You heard that right. We bought the deepest, most productive well that money can buy. Now that we had a place for our water breaks, we could really hunker down and start writing this awesome article with our remaining $200.

After we finished the article, we were unsure if it was good enough for the prestigious Newark Academy Minuteman, which has published groundbreaking work like “What’s Your Math Teacher’s Favorite Food?” (We say this in jest; we love you guys. Please let us keep writing.) Luckily, we found a free-lance focus group/improv troupe that would review our work for a very reasonable $200. Unluckily, they hated it. We spent the rest of our money hiring and bribing a brand new focus group, and they loved it! 

With this article finished, it is our honor and your privilege to welcome back the NA Humor Section. We are ecstatic that Newark Academy is finally funny again, at your literal expense. You may say we spent this money frivolously, but to that we say: We Are NA.